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May 17, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Salient Rates: Sandwich fillings

Ah, the mighty sammich. So often attempted, so rarely perfected. Fresh bread! Succulent fillings! Mouthwatering sauces! This is all starting to sound like an ad for Subway. It isn’t. However, I have worked at Subway. I know the level of skill required in making a decent sandwich. I know that fucking with the formula results in a far tastier subwich. Seriously, ask for extra gherkins and capsicum. There’s no extra charge. I also worked at Wholly Bagels. I found that a number of the skills learned in making long roll-style sandwiches were also applicable to making bagel-shaped sandwiches. Handy.

My life experience in the field of two-bread-and-some-middle-shiz bizzle makes me awesomely qualified to be able to rate sandwich fillings. Listen to my advice, bitches. They used to pay me to make your fucking lunch.

Peanut Butter and Jam 7/10

A childhood classic. The perfect balance of salty and sweet. Best served on Nature’s Fresh White Toast bread. It’s the one with the yellow packaging. Personally, I’m a fan of smooth peanut butter with homemade raspberry jam. Don’t ever make the mistake of buying that peanut butter with “no added salt”. You need that added salt. For flavour.

Tomato Sauce 8/10

Yep. The ol’ t-sozzle on its alonesome. You may be thinking that eight out of twice five is a bit high. But that’s the rating I’d give it if I was drunk. Sober, I’m less of a fan of squirting a bit of Watties on a slick slice of bread, and would maybe give it a 3/10. Anyways, I used to go to my friends’ flat, drink and then disappear to the kitchen to find where they hid the bread. I would proceed to take the bread over near the fridge, where I would then open the fridge, find the tomato squish bomb and then demolish most of the loaf of bread. I am classy.

Margarine with salt and pepper 0/10

Seriously? That’s just bread with seasoning.

An everything bagel with bacon, lettuce, tomato, red onion, mayo, relish, colby cheese and a schmear of hummus 9/10

I was just telling my friend in Auckland about Wholly Bagels. As I was describing the various fillings available at Bagels, I started craving delicious, delicious chewy carbs. The above would have to be one of my favourite combinations. If I learned anything in my two-and-a-half years as a bagel bitch, it was that the more sauce you have dripping down your arm, the better the bagel. Which brings us to the real question—are bagels sandwiches? Yes.

Avocado, tomato, baby spinach, fancy cheese, probably with some hummus or something in there 6/10

Baby spinach is, like, lettuce for posh people. Stop calling it “baby spinach”, it’s just lettuce, alright? Nevertheless, you can’t go wrong with a bit of avo-cad-yum and tommy-mate-ohhhh-yeah and a good dose of cracked pepper. If you’re feeling extra posh, serve on Vogels. I prefer Ancient Grains. I’m fairly sure that doesn’t imply that the grains are expired. Or ancient for that matter. Actually, what does that even mean?

Marmite/Vegemite and Cheese 5/10

I’m not going to get into that whole debate about which is better—Vegemite or Marmite. I like both, and I can appreciate the subtle differences in flavour and texture offered by each spread. Either mite, combined with cheese, makes for a simple, yet fulfilling lunch option (or, ‘loption’ as we sandwich professionals call it) when you can’t afford all that fancy shit, like baby spinach. Melt your sandwich in the microwave for 30 seconds for soggy cheesy deliciousness—kind of like a pie, just with less fat. Yum yum yum.

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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