Viewport width =
May 10, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

Uther Dean. Resumes astrology. Still Awesome.

Predictions for the week starting Monday the 10th of May.

If you were born on the first of the month, you need to fully shave your head. This halfway stuff you’ve got going on just isn’t working.

If you were born on the second of the month, put your shirt on as you walk around the flat. Seriously, it’s grossing everyone out. Your saggy flesh is a little too close to boiled chicken for comfort so cover that shit.

If you were born on the third of the month, stop blanking people on the street. You know that they can see you, you know that you can see them. Not talking is socially unacceptable and real awkward.

If you were born on the fourth of the month, stop posting about your fucking assignments that you’re not doing on Facebook. No one cares. Literally no one. So say something interesting or shut the fuck up.

If you were born on the fifth of the month, stop going on about Glee. It’s far from a bad show, but it’s not the second coming as you so profoundly exclaim it to be. Calm down. Seriously.

If you were born on the sixth of the month, stop talking all this wank. There are better ways to communicate than this vicious spitting forth of buzzphrases and catchwords. Speak human for a while.

If you were born on the seventh of the month, take your headphones off. Turn the music off. You cannot slip through life on this iBubble of closet sound. Taking just one earbud out to order coffee is not polite. It’s evil.

If you were born on the eighth of the month, stop talking about how hungry you are and just make yourself a goddamn sandwich.

If you were born on the ninth of the month, stop giving your pets such idiosyncratic names. They’re people too. Not literally, obviously.

If you were born on the tenth of the month, stop wearing such flappy clothes. You are going to trip someone up. It’s going to be painful.

If you were born on the eleventh of the month, take off that scarf. It does not make you a real person.

If you were born on the twelfth of the month, kick off your Kicks. Gleaming white sneakers don’t make you casual. They make you blinding.

If you were born on the thirteenth of the month, stop leaving wet clothing in the lounge. Mould is growing on it. It’s stinking the place out. Ewww. Stop it.

If you were born on the fourteenth of the month, shave.

If you were born on the fifteenth of the month, know that there are clothes to be worn apart from jeans and a t-shirt. Just know that.

If you were born on the sixteenth of the month, stop charging people for things that should be free. It’s really annoying. Vouchers will not win you friends.

If you were born on the seventeenth of the month, stop doing that. You’ll go blind.

If you were born on the eighteenth of the month, stop butting into conversations you don’t understand. You are not smart. You are not funny. No one likes you.

If you were born on the nineteenth of the month, put lenses in your glasses or take them off. Just wearing frames would be like just wearing… I dunno. Just stop.

If you were born on the twentieth of the month, stop drinking. People are talking.

If you were born on the twenty-first of the month, GET OVER IT. So your boyfriend broke up with you, it’s not the end of the world no matter how hard you angst about it.

If you were born on the twenty-second of the month, stop making phallic baking. It’s not funny. People are only laughing out of fear.

If you were born on the twenty-third of the month, don’t. Now, stop, no.

If you were born on the twenty-fourth of the month, stop looking so happy all the time. You’re not fooling anyone.

If you were born on the twenty-fifth of the month, stop writing poetry. No one reads it.

If you were born on the twenty-sixth of the month, drink more caffeine. Caffeine make fast good. Also, speed.

If you were born on the twenty-seventh of the month, do the dishes.

If you were born on the twenty-eighth of the month, stop hugging people so hard. You smell of cat food and urine.

If you were born on the twenty-ninth of the month, you should give yourself a pat on the back for all the good work you’ve done so far this year. Just stop with the animal costumes. It’s gone from chirpy 12-year-old adorable to dead cat lady weird.

If you were born on the thirtieth of the month, know that the more you quote The Boosh, the more likely I am to cut you.

If you were born on the thirty-first of the month, smile.

If you were born on the thirty-second of the month, you have discovered time travel. Good job!

Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

About the Author ()

Uther was one of the two arts editors in 2009. He was the horoscopier and theatre writer in 2010. Alongside Elle Hunt, Uther was coeditor in 2011.

Comments are closed.

Recent posts

  1. An (im)possible dream: Living Wage for Vic Books
  2. Salient and VUW tussle over Official Information Act requests
  3. One Ocean
  4. Orphanage voluntourism a harmful exercise
  5. Interview with Grayson Gilmour
  6. Political Round Up
  7. A Town Like Alice — Nevil Shute
  8. Presidential Address
  9. Do You Ever Feel Like a Plastic Bag?
  10. Sport
1

Editor's Pick

In Which a Boy Leaves

: - SPONSORED - I’ve always been a fairly lucky kid. I essentially lucked out at birth, being born white, male, heterosexual, to a well off family. My life was never going to be particularly hard. And so my tale begins, with another stroke of sheer luck. After my girlfriend sugge