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July 19, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at

Dear Candy Badger,

I think I am turning Japanese. I really think so.

Yours ablactatingly,


Dear Jono,
Being Japanese is okay. I mean, I’ve never actually been Japanese (or to Japan), but one time we had a Japanese exchange student at my house. We weren’t allowed to tell my grandfather though—he was in World War II and not at all down with Japan.

Pokemons are Japanese, and everyone likes them, except for when you’re trying to go somewhere and a fucking fatass Snorlax is blocking your way. Maybe you could carry a samurai sword and chop him up and turn him into sushi. So just roll with it.

Sayonara Jono san,

[Editor’s note: Clearly Candy Badger does not get that this letter references a song entitled ‘Turning Japanese’ by The Vapors. Did they do any other songs? Like, ever?]

Dear Candy,

I have a crush, but he lives in the interwebs. How can I pash him? Do you think I can google it? Is the screen going to get in the way of sexy time? What about censorship legislation?



Dear You
I hope we’re talking about a real man and not just the Microsoft Word talking paperclip, because I have a feeling his diddle is quite small and sharp. He’s also fucking annoying and asks too many questions.

Other people to not fall in love with:
• People who show you their cock on Chatroulette
• Cops in chatrooms pretending to be children to lure creepy internet people into lives behind bars
• Nigerian scammers
• Spambots (which aren’t people at all, just robots with poor grammar)

Anyone else is fair game. If you meet them in real life, do it in a public place yada yada no dark alleys, take a taser, use a condom, etc. Don’t have sex with your computer because a lot of people get computer mouses stuck up their bums and then have to go to hospital and that’s awkward (especially the getting-to-the-hospital part—I recommend an ambulance rather than driving yourself or waddling there). And you can also get electrocuted through your secretions.

That’s all for now,

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