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July 19, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Salient Blind Date

Keen to go on a Salient blind date? Email blinddate@salient.org.nz and tell us a bit about yourself (including your name and cellphone number) and your ideal date. Your one true love could be waiting just around the corner.

Her:

Tall, dark and my second cousin. Like Meatloaf said, “Two out of three ain’t bad.” This delightful tidbit wasn’t gleaned from my date until halfway through our date. As with most things extended family, the details are foggy and boring, and some parts quite shameful. I’m not even sure how second cousins work. My aunt’s cousin’s son? Nope, no idea. But I’m still sure it’s probably illegal. Or should be. But this is not an expose of my genealogical shortcomings. This is a blind date (which you could also say, was foggy, boring and quite shameful). Desperation aside, I had a good time, thanks to the lovely Salienteers and the staff at Garden Bar.

I had never been to the club in its current incarnation. We were seated in the Terrace Bar, which is this funny thing where you’re inside but outside but not. We were told to meet at 8pm so there was no trouble finding each other because we were the only ones in the bar that early. Awkward chit-chat and eight cocktails down, we played battleships on his Sony phone, which was like an iPhone, but not. He went into all the details but I was too drunk to follow. He then went into the failings of Apple products until I felt like I was at some sort of Sony Style Cult meeting. He said he was a commerce student and only worked part time at IRD, but I have my reservations. If I hadn’t met Salient’s lovely editor myself, I would’ve thought that they had bought into some shady deal sending out poor unwitting students on these ‘blind dates’ which are actually just a front for stealthy advertising/market research/recruitment campaigns for big corporations. But maybe that was just the drunk paranoia kicking in. And why bother when you can just set up a fake account on Facebook to spy on people? (Maybe this is my unrealised calling? Corporate spy?)

Anyway, I don’t remember a whole lot. Sony, something something, your aunt’s my aunt or whatever. I don’t know. Who dates? Don’t we all just get drunk in a corner somewhere and fondle someone? My first blind date, probably my last blind date. It was interesting. Thanks Salient!

XOXO

Blind Date Girl (sorry, I just had to)

Him:

So I walk into the bar at like 8.10 and there’s this fit-as chick just chilling at the counter. It was the second level of the Garden Bar which I’d never been to before, but I liked ‘cause it was sort of outdoors but not really. I play ultimate disk (NOT frisbee) in summer so I’m used to the outdoors, but drinking outside buzzed me out a bit.

Anyway, I started talking to her and tried some serious Mystery shit out, dropping a few negs her way, asking her if her nails are real and shit like that. She just didn’t seem to get it so I let her screw around on my phone for a while. She thought it was an iPhone—rookie mistake. I pointed out the “X1 Xperia” on the back of it and totally schooled her on the difference between a real phone and an overpriced touchscreen hunk of junk. By the sixth cocktail I think she was starting to get it and was giving me mad glad-eye. I told her about my job and she asked if I could do her tax return for her. I stopped short of dropping a sweet pickup line in there cause the last time I tried to get someone to do a tax return for me at the office I just got a written warning.

After 9 her eyes sort of drifted towards each other like the time Jareth fell over mid kegger at my 21st, so we talked about where we came from and it turns out we’re related! She was my second cousin so it wasn’t really close enough to be a dealbreaker or anything. Not that we did anything, but if we did it wouldn’t have been weird, right? And it’s probably not illegal, and if it is it’s like pretty much a victimless crime because it’s not like I wasn’t going to use protection so there’s not gonna be like an octopus baby or a wolf child or something.

Taco,

Blind Date Dude

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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