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August 9, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Candy,
I like to start fights with people on the internet, mostly by mocking the shit out of their terrible, terrible grammar. Recently no one seems to be biting back. Should I be taking a different approach, or just step up my game a little bit?

Please advise,
-Internet Bully

Dear Bully,

How about getting some real life hobbies that don’t require the internet, like skateboarding and picking your nose? These are fun. You can bully people in real life too, as long as you’re big, but you’re probably not due to the muscle waste caused by using a computer.

The best way to bully people in real life over their terrible grammar would be to become a tutor, which is convenient since you’re a university student. (Or if you’re not, why are you reading this? Freak.) Students probably won’t bite back, sadly, but you can get a lot of satisfaction out of red penning their essays that they probably spent a good two hours working on. Or you could sub for Salient!

Churrrrr,
Candy

Hey Candy,

Oh shit. So long story short, me and my best friend who is also my flatmate (who is a girl, like me) started casually pashing at partays, shindigs and discoteques. It was all good clean pashin’ fun until, well, it’s moved beyond just being at parties to basically all the time. Like literally. We live in Aro and have no heater so spoon to keep out the cold. She thinks it’s just physical and we’re experiementing, but I’ve been developing feelings for her. I always thought she was babein’ but I now see her inner babe as well. I really want to tell her how I feel but she has a boyfriend who I get on real well with. Actually, me and her boyfriend kinda used to go out ages ago and I think he may still have feelings for me. He’s a sweet guy (and the coach of my social netball team) but he’s just not my type anymore. Complicated, eh?! Anyway, he’s not really there for my flatmate anymore the way that I am. I real don’t want to hurt his feelings but at the same time I have such feelings for his girlfriend that I have to do something! Pashin’ and spoonin’ ain’t enough for me anymore. Now, just to make it even more complicated, the boyfriend has found out about me and her and wants to meet up next week (when he’s back from his snowboarding trip) to “discuss the situation”. What do I say? What do I want? What do I do? I think he’s gonna suggest a 3some. But I’m over phalluses and just want his girlfriend all to myself. Help me, Candy, what do I do?

Fuckity fuck,>

K00ky K@t

PS – Soz, ended up longer than I expected!Dear K00ky,

I love to pash! But it certainly gets complicated when you pash someone else’s pash property. However, I’ve found a simple solution here.

You should Photoshop his face onto some pictures of gay porn, break into his house, then leave them somewhere where your flatmate will find them. Like the kitchen.

Or maybe you should tell your flatmate how you feel. She might be keen for your box just like you are for hers.

Speaking of boxes, you guys should build a fort!

Hope it works out,
Candy

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