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August 2, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Emma Rust. Writes Reply. Giggles Infuriatingly.

[Editor’s Note: We here at Salient towers felt that with Uther’s re-initiation into PUNZ delayed by another week, it was time to introduce some balance into the horoscope pages. So, we have given this page to Emma Rust for one issue so she can reply to some of the accusations that Mr Dean has levelled against her in previous issues.]

Hiyoooooooooooooooyoyoyoyo peops. Wellycome to mah 1off coloumn about ur future and shit. Hopes you are all having a awes tiume. L0L. Woah. Like magyck and whatever. ive nevah donne it b4 but it can’t be that hard out. You just have vague generalized statments tat could apply to anyone and pe00000ple will tak whatever the M0THERFYCK they want fro tem.

BUT lemme tell u a liddle bout a liddle man named UTHER DEAN. Uthwer is such a whiny bitch, he’s all like wah wah wah wah!!!!!! over some siht that hppened like A COUPLA WEEX A GO it’s not that bigamatter. Sure I may have felt someything for him once but once i saw that all he cared about was how big his name was in Salienty and if anyone saw his next play [DOORS. WALLS AND ALSO SILENCE. BATS theatre. 2–11 Sept] and not what normal people care about lyk hot guys, being artistic and socks (LOL JOKE I hate socks. Almost as much as I hate my PARENTS WHO I HOPE ARE DEAD.)

Anywhooooo, lettuce (geddit?) talk aboot you’re futurere. Uther always does it some weird ASSSSS way because he is such a trihard. So imma gonna do it the good old way becaUSE that’s how kewl people do it—teh vintage way.

Aries (20 MArch – 20 April)—Your animal is the ram an I gotta RAM home soem truths 4 u!!! Get a nu wardroibe!!! All your shiny arse nu clothes are totally prep and you TOTALLY need get down to a second hand shop and score yursulf some vintaage stuff. Basically anything that looks like a punk would have worn it.

Taurus (20 April – 21 May)—The bull. MOER LIKE THE BULLSHITLER. Everyone knows that all you say you say with LIES. Peops have been tlaking about you up something kronik and yous better wise up and st*rt tellin da troof. YOU LIKE HAVING FREINDS?! Weul, do ya wanna keep DEM?!?!

Gemini (21 May – 21 June)—I dun’t wanna get all serious or some shit but someone tol’ me that you and yur twin are like fucking or something. Which is torally gross. I mean my brother is totaslly hot but that doens’t mean I wanna pants dance with him or whatever. IF you say otherwise I WILL CUT YOU WIF MAH KNIFE.

Cancer (21 June – 22 July)—my sister said she had cancer once when she was lyk ten but she so clearly lying she just so wanted to shave her head and got to hospital for da sympathy and because i was getting all the attention because i am so much more artistik than hur.

Leo (22 July – 23 Augyst)—You think you’re a lion but you’re really a kittie kat. You tink dat yr all angree face and all dat but i cn c dat you arn’t as meen as you think yuou act or whatever. No need to strut da streat wit your tail all high step. Warm up yo hart and stop being all GRUMPY BUM.

Virgo (23 Augyst – 23 September)—You VIRGOGIRL (L0L!) You iz sooo impowered by yr feirceness of your hair its a.mazing. Yu’ve gut so much powah dat you tend to push people away well FUCK DEM. people are lyke dat wit pepple lyk us. AWESOME PEOPPLE dat is.

Libra (23 September – 23 October)—Ewww. I totally had a friend who didn’t even use tampons or what3vr (I NO ITS TOOOO MYCH INFO BUT FYCK U H8TERS!!!!).

Scorpio (23 October – 22 November)—You are jyst so kreative and artistik just lyk meeee. You jyst have to kept makingart like my photos and poems and badgemaking and people will still be all like YUCK YOU NERDS. BUT THEY ARE THE NURDS! L0L!

Sagittarus (22 November – 22 December)—Sagittararuis is liek spagetti and man do I luv pasta! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GUD!

Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)—My fingaz reel hurt from all dis writing but itz like this wisdom is stuck in mah gut and gust gotta vom it into the computer. LOL. So, give your fingazzzz a rust Capricorns unless you gotz da wisdom to upchuck iunto minds!!!

Aquarius (20 January – 18 Febuary)—I fink you reals like swimming because you’re an aquarius.

Pisces (18 Febuaray – 20 March)—I think you should cheer the fuck up. So cheer the fuck up.

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