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August 2, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Pashin’ on campus

Pashin' on Campus

When I was home visiting ma and pa in Hamilton over the holidays, I saw the best movie ever. Like, the best movie ever. It was just so good. So bad it was so good.

Actually, it wasn’t even a movie. Just something I thought of. It could be a movie. But maybe probably shouldn’t be a movie?

Movie plot one:

I once read about this T-Rex that could punch the future. He would just punch empty space with his little arms, and then anyone who walked through that seemingly empty space in the future would get an air punch from nowhere! Ouch! Given that he was a T-Rex, his arms would be way higher off the ground than us humans, so we’re pretty safe. It’s the aeroplanes that are in real trouble, maybe. How big is a T-Rex?

I think a movie about dinosaurs starring a sassy velociraptor on the Prehistory Police Force would be neat. He would combine his future-mind-reading skillz with his future-punching skillz and top it off with one hella mean-looking sickle-shaped toe claw to punch future criminals right where they are about to commit crimes. The bad guy would be played by a pterodactyl, which would put a spanner in the works for the sassy velociraptor. He could punch all the land-bound criminals no problem, but how do you punch air that’s way up in the sky? It’s really hard! Anyway, towards the end of the movie, Sassy-V to the P.I. gets a Nimbus 2000 in the mail from an unknown benefactor. Then he can punch all the air (and subsequent future crime committers) he wants! In the end, the sassy velociraptor flies above a steaming volcano, punching the air as he goes, because he has predicted that the pterodactyl will be flying above the very same volcano that evening. Ultimately, the pterodactyl gets his lights punched out right above a whole lot of steaming lava and gets burnt to smithereens. All the dinosaurs are happy for one second, then a comet hits the earth and they are annihilated.

Potential back-up movie plot

(In case Peter Jackson doesn’t like where I’m going with The Sassy Velociraptor P.I. from Before History):

So, this second movie is about these vampires who live in Forks in America, and this other girl who falls in love with one of the vampires who’s a real babe (but some people just think he looks homeless). It’s not Twilight though. In this movie there are all these spiders that sing and dance to entertain the townsfolk at the winter festival. The imagery will be beautiful, I might add. (Egg-nog, fairy lights, ice-skating arachnids et cetera, but not ad nauseum. Just the right amount of magical.) There’s a truck driving through town delivering candy apples to the winter festival, but that’s not important. The lame girl drops her cigarette butt in the snow, but the snow isn’t actually real snow, because werewolves have sneakily replaced the snow with frozen petrol. The snow catches fire, but luckily everyone is in the bleachers so they don’t get burned because the vampires save them. The spiders die though because they’re performing on a stage made out of compacted petrol snow. It’s really sad.

Who needs the film festival when you have me?

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