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August 9, 2010 | by  | in Online Only |
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The Rules of Engagement: The Online Edition

Aaaand we’re back!

This week, I guide you in the secret ways of: How to Visit the Cinema

To set the scene: Your broadband limit has reached its sputtering last breath, and you fear that watching a movie online might just be the straw that fucked your computer. You’re banned from Video Ezy, thanks to the fine your flatmate helpfully accrued for you. You decide that the $15 leftover from your student allowance after paying rent—normally relegated to buying food—will be far better spent at the movies. But it’s been so long since you’ve been able to afford to go that you have forgotten the art of movie-going. You’re overwhelmed by the plethora of tweens in the Readings food court; the staircase at Embassy is not designed for skinny jean-wearers. You are confused as to where the emo kids are going to hang out now that Hoyts is gone, along with its $8 tickets.

You cheer up at the thought of buying snacks—they really are the best part of the movie-going experience. The trick here is to have a bag large enough to conceal your supply of Coke, candy and chocolate; the Candy Bar is just an insult to poor students and those fortunate enough to possess taste buds. You contemplate asking them if you can borrow their microwave to cook your own popcorn.

Now, make sure to arrive in time for the previews. They’re like, fully awesome… full of promise, hope of things to come, and they sum up in about a minute what is often—if misjudged—a long and drawn-out two hours of your life. Before the movie starts, make sure your snacks are arrayed around you to avoid awkward crackling noises mid-way through the movie. Also, avoid sitting near any of the following: tall people, Jaffa-throwing teenage boys, feet-seat-resters, kickers, hair-grabbing kids, screaming toddlers, texters, smelly people, people with pointy elbows and Twi-hards. (Even when you’re not going to a Twilight movie; they will inevitably provide a running commentary of similarities in lead characters to Bella/Edward/both.) Actually, it’s good just to try to go to obscure sessions with minimal public attendance. After all, we go to the movies to escape from these people in the first place. You don’t need others around, breathing noisily etc, ruining your alone time with Robert Downey Jr. You have so little time with him as it is.

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  1. Colonial Heights mls says:

    From reviews it seems great movie for self encouragement.I will definitely watch it this week.

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