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August 9, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Uther Dean. Returns Triumphant. Knows Future.

Having reattained my PUNZ membership, I have reattached my crystal ball to the telegraph to the stars. Read ye here those missives from our celestial bretheren. This week they have divided their predictions based on your preference for either cats or dogs. If you choose not to take a side, I am reliably informed that you will have both prophecies apply to you. Busy week for the indecisive it seems.


People Who Like Cats

Dear cat lovers. Bad news, I’m afraid. You are in for a week of disappointment. This will be a week of things annoyingly falling through. Best laid plans will dissipate like a cloud of flies fleeing a newly clean corpse. It won’t be your fault. People are unreliable sometimes, it’s nothing personal. You may just have to readdress your schemes for the next couple of months. Readjust your crosshairs, if you will. You’ll feel somewhat on a slippery slope leading on to an igloo marked ‘Nowhere’ in a township called ‘Obsolescence’, but it won’t work out that way. Things will come up. You will find other things to do. Like finally take those dancing lessions that you’ve been pondering for years. Or finally brew your own cider. Or start a religion based on your favourite colour (which is green by the way). Or, even, just have a nice little sit down with a cup of tea.  

People Who Prefer Dogs

Our star-based friends take somewhat of a sterner turn with you, our mutt-hugging friends. You need to stop and have a bit of a reassessment of your plans. The stars can see what you are thinking and they really advise against it in the strongest possible terms. You, right now, are on the edge of a precipice which contains only hurt feelings and bust emo guts. You need to think about other people right now and exactly what you’re about to do will mean to them. But, on the other hand, you could harden the fuck up. You don’t need to listen to these astral facists. Sure, some people may get hurt in your inexorable rise to the top, but, you know what, the weak and lame have only themselves to blame and anyone who spends their time whinging that life is unfair needs to stop their sobbing and crack life’s unfairness in the face with a mace of proactivity. Don’t listen to the stars, they’re just jealous.

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About the Author ()

Uther was one of the two arts editors in 2009. He was the horoscopier and theatre writer in 2010. Alongside Elle Hunt, Uther was coeditor in 2011.

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