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September 6, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Hey Candy,
I am an international student from America (fuck yeah!) and I have been trying to figure out exactly what I should scream whilst bungee jumping (to commemorate me wetting myself). This will be filmed and serve as an endless example of my cowardice. Whenever I really think about it, all I come up with is, “My Dick!”

Help would be appreciated,
Freefall Freddie.

Dear Freddie,

Gosh, I hope you didn’t already bungee during the university break. I told the editor we should rush out an issue to get your advice to you, but she was toooo busy sunning herself on her tropical holiday (in Feilding).

You know what’s even better than pissing your pants? Pissing on other people. Therefore I double dare you not to wear pants when you bungee.

Given that you are American, it’s a great opportunity to yell something about how much you love your country! I’m thinking along the lines of ‘take that, Taliban scum!’.

Then instead of Freefall Freddie, you’ll be the Patriotic Pisser.
Love,
Candy

Hey Candy,

Mmm starbursts…

Wait no off topic…

I do have a slight delima or a pretty big problem depending on what angle you look at it, right now I’m looking at it from a 190 degree angle and it dont look good…

Im a very happy go lucky person but lately I have been stuck in a funk, well by lately I mean the last 4 months and not the groovy funk music kinda funk either…

Im always very nice to people and do a lot for others (karma yeah?) but for the last 4 months in no particular order I have been abused, used, ditched, lied to and broken by the people who I thought were there for me..

And kinda now losing faith in people I shouldnt because of this..

My question to you dear Candy of the Badgerness is what can I do or what should I do to get out of this funk..?

yours
Not a very funky monkey..

Dear you,

I know how you feel. I just farted and it smells really bad. Funky, you might say.

Short of a mass murder, you could go find some new friends. There’s heaps of people out there looking for a new friend. You could add me on Facebook, then go through my friends list and pick yourself a few keepers (I don’t know who any of them are so you can have whoever you want!).

I’m a big believer in karma, so if you behave yourself and eat all your vegetables, do your homework and go to sleep early, you’ll win the Lotto and then everyone will want to be your friend!

And if that fails, you could get revenge on all those dicks by putting buckets on top of doors, concrete in their flippers, a grizzly bear in their wardrobe etc.

SMOOOOOCH!
Candy

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