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September 13, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Hi Candy Badger,

There is a boy who works at a cafe on campus. I think they are really attractive. I go there almost every day, but I don’t know what to do. Candy Badger, can you please give me some advice!? I’ve tried internet lurking to find out their name/sexual preference/relationship status but to no avail! I don’t want to hit on them and make a fool of myself. Can you do it for me? I know you’ll pull through with some helpful advice, I know it! 
I am a boy too, which makes this situation slightly more difficult, but I think one time they smiled at me, so I have high hopes.

Love you, <3 xx. Ed Dear Ed,
I would do the stalking for you, but there’s a hill in the way (and we all know how I feel about hills (or if we don’t—I hate them (largely because of my midgety legs. And my asthma. Cough cough.)))
I smiled at someone once. They smiled back and it turned out they had no teeth! Scary.
In conclusion, either ask them out, or don’t. That place is probably overpriced anyway and remember the Christian café has way better coffee.

Luff,
Candy

Hey Badg,

 
Do you want an authentic letter to reply to in next weeks Slayient?
Here goes:
 
Badgi,
 
OK. so I haven’t been a kiwi all my life, maybe there’s something I’m missing here…  Hopefully you can explain, or at least wag an appendage in some general direction and claim it fact. 

Why is it that the ladies (yes, I’m generalising here) lack so much confidence?  Do they not realise that the confidence that comes frm self-awareness is one of the most attractive characteristics they can possess?  It’s way better than a massive rack, I’m not kidding see, because it can endure.  Come on ladies, its bloody obvious when you lack this inner strength because of the difference in how you act when sober versus ‘on the piss’. 

Fucking hell, I mean do you honestly expect to have any quality of life if most of your social experiences and spontenaety require boozing?

Finally, while I’m on this rant, may I just state:  a little consistency goes a very long way in relationships.  But if you’re gonna “change just like di weather, I tell ya punk don’t mess wit meeeee.”
 
Cheers,
 
Bounty


Dear Sir or Madam:

Thank you for your letter with the subject line ‘please stop making shit up’. I think it’s time everyone knew the truth—I don’t make up these letters. The Salient staff just happen to have a lot of problems.

I think the answer to your question is because they have vaginas. Flappy ones. And all the time they spend in the kitchen (with occasional trips to the laundry) makes them a bit shy except when it comes to conversation with appliances and vegetables. Dancing vegetables.

Sometimes I am a woman, in some people’s opinions, but I am also generally drunk and brave except when I’m hungover and cranky. But I always ask boys to pash and they’re all like wo ok and then we’re like kissing noises / babies.

That’s about it.

<3 Candy

I HAVE FACEBOOK NOW! FRIEND ME! AND YOU SHOULD TOTES VOTE FOR ME IN ACADEMIC IDOL AS WELL… PROMISE I WILL DO SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS IF I WIN! XOXO CANDY!

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