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September 20, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Hai Candy

So i’m having mild geographical problemos.

i live in a different part of this fine country to my sweetheart, who doesn’t actually know that she is my sweetheart yet. i’m just a little worried that if i pursue anything, we’ll be separated by a mean amount of terrain for like, the whole summer, and who knows what that’s gonna do. is it worth going for anything more than something casual?

also, are you in a relationship with uther dean? i overheard that @ vic.

thx for your halp

love,
the great pumpkin

YO!

OMG I love pumpkin. It is one of the best vegetables. I hate when it goes mouldy though, and you have to cut the mould off, coz those bitches are hard to cut. I also like tomatoes but I don’t know if they’re a vegetable or a fruit. My ex says they’re a fruit, but I think you have to be able to put fruit in fruit salad. And tomatoes in ya fruit salad is not ok.

I think you should just do her. I liked a babe once. He lives in [redacted so he doesn’t know I’m talking about him]. He’s REALLY hot. Or at least he was when I was pissed out of my mind at my friend’s birthday. So, obviously I scored him. And then I saw him again several months later when he came back. Not as hot. Kinda short. May have a lisp. TERRIBLE SHOES. God they were terrible. He may have also had smelly feet. Worst taste.

In conclusion, just do her.

Love,
Candy

Dear Candy Badger,

I am a girl. I like a girl. Well, sort of. I sort of like two girls.

One of them can’t spell, but she’s super hot. The other one is also super hot, but she just got back from a ten day stint at a silent meditation camp and now I think she’s lost her voice. What should I do?

Yours,
Not a lesbian player

Dear you,

You have weird taste. Mostly coz you like girls. They’re fucking annoying and all they talk about is their hair and recipes. Get them to cook me some food, would ya? I am so keen for a cannelloni.

I think you should go for the voiceless one—totally the best kind of woman. One who can’t bitch at you for leaving the toilet seat up when the underside of it is covered in pooz backsplash.

Hope this helps!

<3 Me

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