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September 27, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear CB

How do I tell Sam I love her. She is on Youtube. She lives in New York. My friends tell me that she is not real, she is just pixels on a screen, but I don’t believe them. I know she’s real. She talks to me in her videos. I know she does… Help me Candylicious.

Dear yourself,

I think we’ve been through this already. Don’t lick the screen—it’s dusty and you might get electrocuted.

I had a YouTube crush once or twice. Once on the Trolololo man. Once on Rihanna. Fuck she is hot.

In both cases, I started fan fiction websites. I think you should make Sam one. I write stories about my threesomes with Rihanna and the Trolololo man. The singing is incredible. I actually record myself singing three-part harmonies and upload them to my website for fellow Trolololo-Rihanna fiends to listen/sing along to.

Much love,
Candy

Dear Candy Badger,

My BF won’t go outside

He forgot the outside world exists

Whats up with that?

What should I do to make him rejoin society?

from
me

Dear me,
Is your boyfriend the person who wrote the letter above this one ^^^?

I have this theory. It sounds really weird. But it’s that we actually all live in the Matrix. So if we all live in the Matrix then maybe there is no outside world. Unless there is an outside world in the Matrix. I’ve only watched it like, once, in fourth form. And I wasn’t really paying attention coz I’d just had a terrible bicycle crash.

This is a completely true story. Want to know how a badger rides a bicycle? Look inside yourself for the answer.

Peace,
Badge.

Dear Candy. 

I have this horrible fear that I will end up like that guy on the movie, the 40 year old virgin. Even though I am only 21 I still haven’t had sex throughout my time at University and I really want to. 

I may come across as a bit of a geek, or someone who doesn’t like to talk because I like to appear as a good listener rather than a good speaker. How can I come across better to the ladies??

All my friends have lost their virginity and I want to feel like I can have some pride in finally becoming a Man. 

Thanks

Boy-Wonder

Dear Boy-Wonder,

I hate it when I turn 40 and I’m still a virgin! It’s the worst. Slash, you’ve never had sex? Wo. That’s wack. You obviously lived in the wrong hostel. Mine was full of the sex, and bedbugs.

The secret to getting ladies is to be a total asshole. Maybe wear leather pants, and start rapping. That’s cool too. Or do something wacky that makes you more individual, like getting a wooden leg. Or become really rich. Everyone likes sleeping with rich people (if the price is right).

But seriously there’s nothing wrong with having your V plates. Secks kinda sucks till you get some practice anyway.

I hope you get lucky within the next 19 years,

Me

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