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September 27, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Horoscopes! Of the future! The decadent future! With Rutherford K. Dean

Oh, hello readers. I didn’t see you there. How…delightful. Sitting here, my dusky physique swamped in luxurious velvet robes, I cannot help but laugh heartily at the foolishness of modern man. And womb-man also. When you live in the lap of divine and orgiastic decadence as I do, with my many-nippled servants balming my every need with the most exquisite of nectars, both literal and, mmm, metaphoric, it is all too easy to gaze out on the great canopy of humanity and see the truth. You tiny little people, you. You specks. You ants. You know what your problem is? Of course you don’t. If you knew you would have fixed it by now. Humanity’s problem as a species is that it is not nearly decadent enough. Too long under the frightened thumb of oncoming nature-polcalypse has forced us, or rather you, to duck under the road cone witch’s hat of frugality, thinking that thin-lipped bread-sucking will somehow magic spell-check the world, and turn the economy from a wriggly little red line and into a thesaurus of better. But it won’t. That’s not how life works. I have seen the future. It’s kinda my job, you see. I can’t help it. I also cannot help that you all need to stop being so fridging frugal and start living life to an orgiastic extent. This prediction applies to everyone so, rather than your usual horoscopal breakdown, here is a fine list of tips to help you achieve higher levels of grotesque decadence.

  • Never shower when you can bathe.
  • Never bathe when you can sauna.
  • Never sauna when you can have nubile slaves paint your body with melted butter.
  • You should always have at least three bunches of grapes within reach.
  • Your ultimate goal should be never to support your own weight either literally or metaphorically.
  • The line between clothes for bed and clothes for the real world should rapidly blur.
  • Replace all water with champagne. Especially in things like hot water bottles or washing machines.
  • Buy at least one new nude sculpture a day. They should preferably all be larger than life-size.
  • Your house needs to contain at least three stone ampitheatres for, like, erotica shows.
  • You need at least one advisor who drinks vodka as ‘twere it water and speaks in iambic pentameter.
  • Edible clothes.
  • Edible everything.
  • Travel everywhere on your own miniature train system. The train drivers should be trained mice.
  • Don’t wash anything like dishes or clothes. Once soiled, throw them away and buy new ones.
  • Velvet everything. Your soap should be velvet. Your hair should be velvet.
  • Don’t do anything. Ever. Nothing productive. Nothing even helpful. Just exist. That is enough. People get so caught up in the idea that they have to actually do something with their lives. This is, at best, a fallacy. There is no meaning in life. You are under no obligation to do anything except breathe.
  • Refer to everything in terms of how ‘glorious’ you find it to be.
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About the Author ()

Uther was one of the two arts editors in 2009. He was the horoscopier and theatre writer in 2010. Alongside Elle Hunt, Uther was coeditor in 2011.

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