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September 13, 2010 | by  | in Features |
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Me, myself and I

Throatwarbler Mangrove

Wank wank wankity wank wank wank! I can’t remember a time in my life without masturbation. I wanked innocently as a young girl with no sense of what was ‘wrong’ or ‘right’; guiltily when I was old enough to be affected by society’s ideals of wrong and right; and finally with pride when I decided for myself what wrong and right!

Last year I read Betty Dodson’s beautifully illustrated Self Love and Orgasm, which inspired me to make space in my life for healthy masturbation. I’ve always loved to drop the M-bomb into conversation and observe everybody’s awkward reactions, but these days I do it with their best interests in mind!

I have always understood the benefits of self exploration, and this should of course include an exploration of our sexual needs and desires. How can we possibly hand our bodies over to a lover and expect them to know how to please us when we don’t yet know ourselves? Young (and old) people should be encouraged to have active sex lives alone before sleeping with other people! Which brings me to another point—you never have to worry about consent when you’re wanking. It is impossible (or very difficult?!) to have a wank without your own consent. And I want to expel the rumours I have heard that masturbation can interfere with one’s libido or sex-life with others—if anything it will improve it.

Be excited about discovering what turns you on, whether it’s porn or erotica, fantasy scenarios of your own design, some unusual fantastic fetish, or just that Jim Morrison poster on your ceiling. Enjoy the self esteem boost you’ll get from wanking and knowing that it’s good for you. Take some time and privacy, and some lube, and have a ball, just like Cyndi Lauper does in her song ‘She Bop’. Consider becoming a member of the mile high club by yourself! Carve up a carrot and practise putting a condom on a courgette! Try sitting with your legs together on the bus, or fisting! There’s a whole world of new things left to try, and a wank will never get boring because you are always totally in control.

PacPac Thundercunt 

Lately, I’ve been having a few carnal desires; I just wanna get some. And that’s natural, right? But lately my desire hasn’t been for other people, I just wanna stay home alone and have a little fun, just me and my body. Is that natural?

Yeah, I reckon. After umpteen years of touchin’, I haven’t gone blind, my palms remain hairless and, I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure my sperm count has not dropped—these are silly myths that don’t make sense, but do make for excellent television (see Drawn Apart). But when it comes down to it, all those hormone-enraged, penis-enabled masti fiends probably don’t give it the credit it’s due—they just need a quick choke of the chicken for a bit of release, or ‘cos they couldn’t get any down Courtenay Place.

That’s not to say you need to be super intense and ritualistic about it; I tried that once, incense and all, it was fuckin’ boring. Porn is good (s’long as you don’t get obsessed), or your hot little perverted fantasies. All I’m saying is give yourself some credit, your penis is pretty awesome and don’t it feel good too?

Next time you get the urge, and the time, maybe just take it slower. You’re totally allowed to take breaks. Drawing it out can lead to a bigger orgasm. Try erotic literature occasionally, instead of the pics and vids. Even though sometimes it just doesn’t contain enough sex, at least it’s good for your brain, right?

Penis aside, I’m gonna make a suggestion that some of you guys may not like but trust me, it’s at least worth a try. I’m talking about your anus. Honest, it can feel really good. Warning, this is where I get xxxplicit. Just one time, when you’re watching the big mammaries/phallus, wet your finger and rub your little rosebud… or if you’re feeling more adventurous use a bit of lube and slip your finger on in there (ALWAYS use lube). If you start to do it a bit more, maybe invest in a dildo, they make some especially for men. This is in no way unmanly, and won’t make you gay (if you’re not already). In fact, prostate stimulation (the pinnacle of anal masturbation) can be beneficial to your health and lower the risk of prostate cancer.

And that’s what I got to say about self-love. I totes recommend it. And don’t forget to have a bit of fun with—discover what really turns you on by exploring yourself by yourself. I’m PacPac Thundercunt, for your health.

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