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September 13, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Nigel Mitchell. Scratches head. Shrugs shoulders.

Horoscopal predictions for the week starting the 13th of September

Uthemon has recently taken the big plunge and quit smoking, so, in honour of Uther’s great lung-leap, Nigel Mitchell is taking the horoscopal reins and splitting them into those for smokers and non-smokers.

Smoker bros (and whatever the female version of bro is that isn’t babe because that sounds a bit degrading and I like to think of myself as a pretty fair cunt), this week you are going to stop texting so much. I had this mate called Dave. Well, I called him Dave, but he insisted on being called David and he actually got a bit up in my face about it, and we don’t really talk anymore, but if you’re reading this, Dave, give me a ring we should get a beer or whatever. Anyway, Dave was always texting. His thumbs were like a blur, like that band, Blur. And he texted so much that he got RSI and now he can’t even hitch a lift, which he actually does a lot more than you’d think. Like, there was this time we were out in Petone and we were real drunk, but we had no money so we hitchhiked home with this awes dude called George who was a Mexican janitor. He drank tequila like it was water. It was awesome and fucked up. Anyway, smokers, you should stop smoking because you might need to hitch a lift one day. Yeah.

Non-smoking people should start smoking. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Jokes. Nah. Don’t, eh? Because it fucks up your throat and shit, though it does make you look cool. Man, when I see my reflection and I’m smoking I’d totes want to pash myself because I’m so hawt when I’m smoking. JOKES AGAIN. I should be a comedian and shit. Well, Craig says I should because I’m always busting the funnies at parties and shit. This one time this girl that Craig was secretly sleeping with on the side was singing along to Lady Gaga and I said “Hey, someone should Lady Gag her”. Her singing was real shit like a dying cat on fire or something. Everyone laughed and was like HAHAHAHA. So, then I said “hey, is this thing on?” and tapped a microphone THAT WASN’T THERE because I was miming it like it was there, but it was invisible. That was funny because that’s what people say when people haven’t laughed at a joke and people had laughed at my joke so I was like OOOOHH FLIP REVERSAL HUMOUR. And people were still all like LOL LOL LOL again. Yeah. I’m pretty funny.

Editor’s note: We hope that Uther Dean will be back to regular horoscopes programming next week. The fill-ins are awfully average.

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