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October 4, 2010 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Candy,

I have a professional crush. I had never met him until recently, when I discovered he is also really lovely and completely swoonworthy. He lives really far away though. What do i do?

Swoon

P.S. I think you’re a babe too.

Dear Swoony,

I think you should jump on a train/horse/submarine and rush to his side and pash his face. It’s what I’d do.

Alternatively, after the above step ^^ go to his house, wait outside his room till he goes to the shower, and then call his cellphone and leave a message of yourself breathing heavily. And then when he comes back you’ll see his WILLY!

<3 Candy

Dear Candy,

I was wondering if you had ever faced any discrimination due to the fact you’re a badger? I am an ocelot and I find humans most disparaging. This cute dude in my 200 level psych paper always calls animal control when I try to make the moves.

Any advice?

xxx

Lemony Ocelot

Dear Lemony,

That has happened to me also but only because I was outside his house, breathing heavily and watching him get dressed.

Generally people are quite nice to me and pat me and give me badger snacks. But my flatmates wouldn’t let me join their soccer team and say I have to be a ‘spectator’ because of my badgerness.

Totes unfair—I know I could be great.

Then I bit them bitches and gave them rabies.

Kisses,

Candy.

Dear Candy Badger,

I have a massive as crush on this student magazine advice columnist, let’s call them ‘Bandy Cadger’, but they don’t even know that I exist! What should I do?

Regards,

Lucy Pivac

Dear Lucy,

I hear Bandy is a mega babe and though she’s in hot demand, she’s looking for the right person to sweep her off her feet.

She likes feeding ducks, riding Crocodile Mobiles around the waterfront, hollandaise and spooning.

My best advice is get really rich and shower Bandy with gifts (like ponies and googly-eye cactii), and you’ll win her heart in no time.

Good luck,

Bandy
Candy

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