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March 28, 2011 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Constance

Hi Constance,
You’re running a great hybrid sex/personal advice service. It should definitely count towards the community contribution aspect of the Victoria Plus award. I’m here to get your sage advice on a matter of great personal importance.
First, a brief background to help your analysis. I was raised Catholic, but in a relatively lapsed family, got on fine with the opposite sex (in a shy, nerdy way), and breezed through life and love with a nonchalance some would consider detrimental to my future goals. Anyway, I’m lucky, so things turned out well – although to me the balance feels precarious at times.
So, to the point. After a long and emotionally involved relationship which ended last year I decided I didn’t want to hurt anyone again, and tried life as a slut (as opposed to what I’d call a ‘man of character’). It was great for a time. I met some nice, and not so nice girls, and more than anything else taught myself that life is worth more than a nubile cupcake for breakfast on Sunday morning. I found myself liking the sex less and less, and when that combined with meeting an incredible girl – who I can’t see because of ocean-crossing issues – I found myself finally able to add 1+1 and see the type of woman I want to end up with.
But I decided I needed some motivation, because habit dictated a few drinks meant a demon on my shoulder telling me not to sleep alone. So I took a vow of celibacy. No orgasm until it’s with a girl I really care about. Not even alone.
Here’s the rub (because even that’s off the menu)… That vaunted nonchalance means I’ve just happened
into good things before. I need your

advice on how to meet the girl I’m meant to be with. Not the logical stuff, because I’ve got that covered; more the insights my straight-line caveman brain is missing. The more ephemeral the better, because sometimes us guys just need a helping hand (unintentional, I swear).
Yours Freudianly,

Right Bishop, you’re mighty lucky my answer is short given, that question just sucked up most of my word limit.
Firstly, a slut isn’t the opposite of someone ‘of character’. Slut is a word concocted to shame people (usually women) into limited sexual behaviour and desire. Informed, consensual, adult sex should never be shameful. Cheating and lying is shameful.

Secondly, don’t quit wanking. What the hell? How is being a walking wet dream going to help you find ‘the girl you’re meant to be with’? Choosing to be abstinent (as long as it doesn’t involve shaming others) is a moral call I wouldn’t usually judge (each to their own). But it seems like you just want to cut the one night stands and instead you’re venturing into bad Josh Hartnett-movie zone.

You clearly likey the random sex. You also have some hang-ups around ‘demons on shoulders’ (Catholic childhood maybs?) with your perceived meaninglessness of casual encounters. Does this mean you shouldn’t have a wank if you feel like it? In my opinon, no. If your beef is with trying to cut down the failed attempts, just hold off on the sex when you first meet someone.

Also, if meeting the overseas girl has shown you what sort of woman you want to be with, and now you’re on some Bette-Midler-soundtracked search for The One, perhaps you need to work on dropping your baggage before you make celibacy pledges. In fact, consider dropping the baggage all round, Bishop. If you want to stop the drunk, casual bangs, don’t get drunk and bang people. Why torture yourself with no wanking? If you want to stop penisfun because you think ‘sluttiness’ is immoral, you need to a baggage audit asap.
And turns out cutting baggage is a really good frame of mind to meet someone in. So two birds with one stone there, huh?

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