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March 21, 2011 | by  | in Opinion |
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I am Offend Because – Cheesed Off: The New World Metro Edition

Does writing for Salient make me a journalist? What say you, clever readers? I’ve always thought of journalists as brave, honourable individuals who will do anything in pursuit of the truth. Journalists are supposed to get arrested and tortured, that’s how obsessed with the truth they are. Or at least, I thought that until Stuff.co.nz ran that poll on whether Bill English or John Key is ‘hotter’. But look, don’t worry. I’m out there, hunting out the truth for every single one of you.

I’m looking for the truth about cheese. Like I said before, I find it really fucking grating when I buy a feta salad and there’s not enough feta in it. It really makes my blood curdle. So you cheddar believe it, the Comparative Feta Salad Study continues. Last time I looked at Wishbone; this time, in my fearless pursuit of truth I went someplace worse. Somewhere with even less soul. I went to New World Metro. This inner-city Willis Street supermarket is a truly miserable place. The line of bleary office workers snakes past the pastry section. A loud speaker encourages the line of bleary office workers to remain patient. When in the line, I discover that there are no macadamia nuts in the bulk section. Never in my life have I felt more like David Hicks.

The Suspect: Toss and Serve ‘Feta Cheese Salad’ stocked at New World Metro.
Cost: $4.49
The Feta Weighs: 15g
The Rest of the Salad Weighs: 185g

Prosecution: It’s amusing that the Toss and Serve motto is “Get Fresh! Get Healthy!” because never in my life have I felt so mentally disturbed by a salad. I realise that mental illness is serious, but my gawd, this is a seriously bad salad. I started feeling BLEU as I chewed my first mouthful of wilted lettuce. Nothing has ever looked as bleak as the three cubes of feta, one cracked down the middle, lying pitifully on my scale. This is a salad where the ingredients list reads ‘Baby Lettuce, Feta Cheese, Blue Cheese Dressing’ yet at least a third of the salad is made up of grated carrot. Grated carrot with an anomalous likeness to thawed oven chips, in both taste and texture. I thought that perhaps a $4.49 salad might be good value but RICOTTA tell you that your money would be better spent on a carrot and a grater from the Sallies. Same result, but with less mental illness.

Defence: You CAMEMBERT serious. There is nothing I can say to defend this salad. The only thing that would make this salad palatable/safe for public consumption would be a liberal seasoning of crushed Prozac.

Verdict: Fifteen grams? FIFTEEN MOTHERFUCKING GRAMS? This so-called ‘Feta Cheese Salad’ Toss and Serve is guilty as parmeSIN. And let it BRIE said, this is perhaps the most depressing thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. Including that time I gave a blow job using expired cherry flavour lubricant. There is no WHEY I’d try either again, even if you paid me.

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