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March 14, 2011 | by  | in Features |
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Marc Fallis’ Good Fullacio – a Kiwi Bloke’s Guide to Oral Sex

Mate, I have lived a life of quiet desperation.

Sure, I’ve had some financial success (well, more than my mate Matthew—poor bastard thought people would pay to clean their own cars). I made some fucking juice money, even brought out a line of smoothies. But none of this smoothies out the hole in my heart.

I am living a lie. All my success has been based on a laddish heteronormative image that I can no longer abide by. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.
Going to town on a vagina is one of the most rewarding ways to spend your day. There. I’ve said it. Marc Fallis enjoys a bit of grassy knoll with his morning Fresh Up—and maybe a side of donga, but that’s another column. Some say it’s not manly to enjoy cunnilingus, some say it’s not the blokey thing to do. These people are fools, listen to them at your own peril. If you want the real truth, then pop a squat with your old mate Marc, and I’ll dispel these rumours about my one true love: oral sex.

Downtown—Everything’s Waiting For You!

Why some straight blokes aren’t down with a little time tasting the fruits of the female vagina, I will never know. It can be immensely pleasurable for both parties. The sheila is softly stimulated at her very core by the entire tongue at once, while the giver gets to taste an exotic treat, and feel the shivers of a woman’s ecstasy inbetween her thighs. To say that performing or enjoying cunnilingus is somehow unmasculine is to declare that only the man should enjoy sex—and mate, that’s a bloody selfish way of looking at the world. Strewth. If you enjoy a good blowy then why not return the favour, cobba.

This should be in every woman lover’s repertoire—and remember, no-one is particularly good at anything the first time, but the practice will be worth it.
However, this is not the only reason some people aren’t down with a round of ‘tipping the velvet’ after a hearty Speights. Some people are concerned with the hygiene of the genital region—sure they’ll put their shlonga there, but they won’t do much else—and to these people I say: get over it! If cleaned regularly, any lingering smell beyond normal sexual ones can be taken care of. Oral sex between healthy, disease-free people is entirely safe and clean. No disease is passed by cunnilingus that wouldn’t be transmitted by any other kind of sexual contact.
With certain exceptions…

Can oral sex give you cancer?

Your mate Marc has had a rocky road to where he is today, but one thing he never jokes about is cancer. Rattles me dacks it does. So when I read that oral sex can potententially cause throat cancer, I was worried. Thankfully my mates in the medical profession sorted me out with some key facts.
So can oral sex give you cancer? Yes, but it’s very uncommon and causation (rather than correlation) has yet to be entirely agreed upon.
Researchers involved in a Johns Hopkins sexual health study (and several others studies before it, some more reputable than others) claim that people who engage in oral sex are more likely to have cancer in their lifetime. They believe this is because human papillomavirus (HPV) might be transmitted through the act of oral sex, and the types of HPV that can cause cervical and other forms of cancer are spread through sexual contact.

Scared? Then they’ve achieved their job. But the fact of the matter is that four out of five people become infected with HPV at some time in their lives, and most people with HPV infections have no symptoms: the infection clears without treatment and doesn’t develop into cancer.
This debate has been going on, and will continue to go on, for years now without a conclusive answer.
Take your mate Marc’s advice: life is like a scrum. It pays to be both scared and aroused.

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  1. Zoe Reid says:

    <3ing it

  2. Bobs says:

    When you think about it, that’s got to be the right anwser.

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