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March 7, 2011 | by  | in Features |
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Teachers, Students and the Stand-Off at High Noon

Let’s face it. Teaching would be so much better without any teachers.

It sounds really counterintuitive, like a helicopter with bread sticks for rotors, but if you calculate the amount of people that have bitched about their teachers, as opposed to those that think they are the coolest thing since the Fonz, it’s a massive number. It makes you think about what maniacal plans teachers had in their heads to screw us over from day dot.

Think back to your primary school teachers. Dodging the snot bubbles we were blowing and reading The Cat In The Hat is all that most of us can recall—except for the teachers, because we will always remember those rat bastards. There was always one teacher in primary school that you’d make obscene jingles about, mostly about flushing their head down a toilet.

They started it all. A deep-seated hatred for a teacher back then was pretty much the end of the road for us wee chaps and chappettes. There was no going back from this spiral of resentment that they sucked us into. I remember distinctly one teacher, who was shaped like a melon, set me back 15 years with her reading log bollocks. Foetuses get more reading material than I did back then, and they get to listen to some quality fucking stereo in that belly.

Then came high school. Jeez, I bet Ted Bundy was channelling the image of his English teacher when he turned some poor soul into his own personal crocheting blanket. You can really file this into two stages, because you were there long enough to really stew some of those rivalries. First, you have the initiation of the teacher-student relationship, and those were some crafty motherfuckers back then, do you remember? All these brightly coloured classrooms with house pride and house cheers and what have you. Like a bear chasing a German backpacker on the end of a stick, you followed that pied piper all the way off the edge of the cliff.

And at the bottom of said cliff, you get the last two years of high school, where every kid/teenager goes through their obligatory fuck-the-world-and-everything-in-it stage. And so begins phase two: teachers equal sheep faeces- hummus. Every little nuance of every teacher just riled you up. But above all else, there was always one. Yes, one. And you know which one. Just reading this paragraph, you are thinking of that one miserable, asshole teacher that the universe paired you with, just to see how much bullshit it could get away with. And you’re secretly sharpening your axes. And Googling their addresses. And ordering military grade SWAT teams to invade their houses.
But hold fire a minute, Sergeant Bullet-happy-fun-times. Would school life be so much better if we didn’t have those teachers there to constantly bitch and whine about? If every teacher was like our best bro, and had a history of riding pterodactyls while jousting with Batman, and was so badass that their simply riding a motorcycle would cause untold chaos to the space-time continuum, would teaching be a gazillion times cooler?

If your answer was yes, I suggest you take up synchronised swimming. Because, just like hairy men in Speedos performing choreography underwater, you are so fucking wrong. Consider this. What would be the first thing you do when you encounter your buddy after an intimate Physics lesson with Professor McFuckyourlife? You have a neat ol’ stitch and bitch, that’s what. And this neat little niche of teacher hatred forms a student body united via distaste for teachers in general. Yes, you get the occasional professor with a PhD in win, but apart from that, no teacher—or lecturer, in the case of university—shoots under the radar without your serious distaste for them and everything they represent.

If teachers were better, students would be a whole lot worse off. Where’d the drama be? It would be left to WoW fans geeking out over the sale of a level 67 toilet seat for their mount or something. And is that a path we really wanna go down? Teacher-student dislike makes the world go around, and it’s what brings students together as a cohesive community. Which in turn leads to brilliant publications like Salient. Not that I’m biased or anything.

So don’t feel bad for hating on teachers. Besides, deep down, they secretly wanna stab you too.

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