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March 14, 2011 | by  | in News |
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Who wants a swimming pool?

In a move that has shocked the student body, Victoria University of Wellington’s Board of Trustees has decided to scrap plans for the new quad at Kelburn campus.

The total cost of the project was estimated to be as large as $60 million, but Victoria University has resolved that the overall benefit of
the renovation is outweighed by the fact that nobody has
$60 million.

Vice-Chancellor Andrew Sanders has publicly apologised
for the “major oversight”.
“We obviously hadn’t planned properly, and to be frank,
we’re not pleased with the work done by the contractors, but
on the plus side, we’re going to whack a big old swimming pool in there!”

Initial plans for the redevelopment of the quad provided for a ‘chill-out’ zone, a space to play hacky-sack, and a taco stand. The funds set aside for the failed initiative are to be put towards reinstating the Gender and Women’s Studies programme and increasing the number of tutorials for 300-level Politics classes.

Sanders has confirmed that funding for “the biggest, most badass pool New Zealand has ever seen” will come from “an entirely different coffer”.
Some students have questioned his motives for pulling the plug on the quad redevelopment, suggesting that Sanders had always planned to install a pool on campus.

“He’s kind of just left us with nowhere to go at lunchtime, and a massive hole in the ground,” says Honours geography student Harmichael Katten. “In fact, it sort of looks like he was planning for a pool—this is kind of like what my parents’ house looked like before they put the new pool in last summer.”

“Well, if I was planning on tearing this place up to put a pool in, that’s where I’d do it,” adds second-year Jessica Auryan. “It was already a big open space, and there are a butt-load of awesome spots to jump off.”

Sanders vehemently denies these claims.
“We really meant to build a crazy new outdoors area, but we fucked up! Now stop complaining, and imagine how awesome it will be when we get some diving boards up in here! I’m bringing a noodle—we’re all bringing noodles!
“Now get back to lectures, before I rip down the whole bloody library to put in some hydroslides.”

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