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April 4, 2011 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Constance

Constance,
How come I never get any action? I’m not bad looking, some would say I’m a hot babe. I mean, I’m tall, blonde and blue eyed, with 10DDs. Seriously. And I’m not a bitch. So how come I never get a root?
Thanks,
Hot Babe.

Ok Hotty, firstly allow me to hit you with a ‘Check yo’self’ list. If your answers are no, then you may proceed to part (B).

Maybs because you feel your hotness is tied up in your hair colour, height and boob size? Just saying. I have no doubt you’re a hot babe, but is being ‘not a bitch’ and blonde all you need to pick up? Are you *that girl* in the bar (Good Luck, don’t think I don’t know) who is too wrapped up in showing off your inappropriately high Mi Piachi course-related-costs shoes to have a fucking good time on the dance floor? Are you ‘too hot’ for that guy friend of yours who’s always liked you (and you bloody well know it) but the jerkoff who doesn’t give you a second look sets your heart aflutter? If this is you, quit it. Hotness is not in haircolour. Hotness is in vibrant, fun, confident people who see the attraction in the way people treat others and how they feel about themselves.

No, this isn’t you? Okay. How are you going about attempting to get a root? Considered Estab on a Saturday night? It’s tacky, the floors are sticky and it’s an absolute sausage fest, but if you’re one extra-vibratey bus ride away from creaming your jeans and a root is all you’re after, let’s not ignore the inability to not get laid at The Establishment.

If you’re keen for a root, but not with some dude who tells you he’s a Tui promo guy named Hunter, who’s actually a software engineer named Steve who lives at home with his Mum in the Hutt and trains in to Estab especially to meet ladies like you, then let’s rethink. How about you swallow the tragic ‘I need to be drunk to pick up’ British hangover NZers seem to have, and ask for the number of the next guy you fancy? I read that saying you’re not wearing any underwear is the single hottest thing a strange woman can say to a man. So if you want to go that far then please do. And I want to hear how it went.

Generally just be bold, confident and happy in yourself. It’s your move just as much as it is theirs, so why not be upfront about your root-wanting?

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