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May 16, 2011 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Constance

I’m a 20-year-old girl and when I masturbate I sometimes fantasise about getting with an older man, say in his 40s, and I love getting off to “older man with a younger girl” porn. I like the idea of him being really stoked to be sleeping with me because I’m that much younger. The guys in the porn usually aren’t even attractive in the slightest—and when I see men who look like them in real life, I’m repulsed at the thought of sleeping with them. In fact, I’m never interested in getting with a guy in real life if he looks older than 25! What’s with that? Is it normal to be turned on by something in my imagination that the thought of actually acting out repulses me?

Yeah, it’s totally normal. Fantasies can be really fucked up (though this isn’t), and a lot of people know deep down that they’d never really want to act on them in real life.

 In my humble opinion, I think that fantasies are usually representations of a desire for something more complex than on the surface. For instance, at face value your fantasy is for older dudes. But if you dig a bit deeper, what you really get off on is that the ugly older dudes love how young and hot you are and they’re really turned on by being with you. And that’s what you like the most. The fact that they’re ugly older dudes is just because it’s an effective representation of people who’d be really stoked to fuck you, and make you feel young and pretty. Subconscious win.

 Getting off on feeling like you’re God’s gift to someone and they’re super fucking into it, is a really harmless fantasy. Don’t be grossed out when you try and imagine it happening with a real-life older dude, because trying to apply something which is your personal, safe, sexy, controlled-entirely-by-you scenario to Guy Next To You On The Bus, is never going to turn you on.

 In real life, of course you find certain people attractive, and that’s totally separate from the fantasy you’ve concocted (which perfectly embodies your desire to be desired). Some unattractive older dude you see in real life doesn’t embody that. He embodies an unattractive older dude. So of course you’re repulsed.
 I think (non-problematic) fantasies in all forms can sometimes be realised in real life, but that shouldn’t be a goal. The beauty of fantasies is that they’re all yours, malleable, and totally safe. If you were to find a silver fox 45-year-old who was really fucking keen on you, you might go for it. Or, you might think that actually, you’re not as into it as you thought you were, and it’s better in your brain.

 Another example is the one woman with two dudes fantasy. It’s sexy, there’s two guys into you at once so you have double the desire, and you also get to be an exhibitionist and have one dude watch while you do your thang with the other. However, in real life, let’s be honest:

• The likelihood of it being less sexy and about you, and more about the dudes feeling like they’re featuring in Stifler Goes Wild: American Pie 139—high.
• The likelihood a spitroast is really hard to navigate, and the person thrusting from the back totally fucks up your rhythm with the blowjob—high.
• Potential for overwhelmed-one-more-penis-than-I’m-used-to feelings—high.
• Risk that one party will feel left out because unless you’ve done your research threesome positions don’t always lend themselves to everyone being included at all times—also high.  

So sometimes scenario fantasies are best left as fantasies. No doubt there will be readers out there with totally successful MMF threesome encounters, but you get my real-life-hesitancy drift.

 Sometimes fantasies can happen in real life, be really sexy, and provide the best ever ‘never have I ever’ story for drinking games. Other times that dirty-talk fantasy turned out to be a disaster because you laughed your ass off at your girlfriend when she tried it. Because turns out things work differently in real life sometimes. And that’s why they can be better to stay in your head.

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