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May 23, 2011 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Constance

Dear Constance,

Vegetables. Fruit. Partly cooked sausages. And yes, this is going where you think it’s going. I want to know what’s safe to put up there? And should I use a condom? After I got that infection last week, I’ve learned to use one with sausages, but what about cucumbers and carrots? And can you recommend any other fruit and veg that’ll tickle the clit while filling the lovehole. I had a pleasurable experience with an eggplant once, but that was in my wild days.

Love, kisses and a little horticulture,
Solo Act

 
Solo Act, that eggplant sounds very interesting.
 
On the whole, you want to stay away from proteins and high acid or sugary foods coming in direct contact with your ladybits. That would rule out your sausages sans condoms and high sugar fruits. But carrots, celery, zucchinis, cucumbers and other hard-skinned vegetables (once they’ve been given a good wash) should be fine provided they are used gently and with lubricant.
 
I’d watch out for acidic foods even if they’re hard skinned, because should they puncture or bend and end up spilling inside you, it’s going to hurt a lot. Also never use anything that’s even remotely spicy. Bell peppers and capsicums might be mild on the spicy scale (and given that you’ve delved into eggplant territory, I wouldn’t put it past you with a capsicum) but don’t use anything even a bit tangy. Tang on your tastebuds is a potential burn in your vag.
 
Also, while we’re talking about insertion, the same rules apply for anything anal. Also never forget that anything going in the butt needs a flared base or it’ll get lost. Don’t test it, don’t think you’re the lucky one who won’t get it stuck up there. You will end up at A&E and (although the staff won’t be surprised, objects going MIA in butts is pretty common) it won’t be a story for the grandkids.
 
If you’re with a partner and you want to do the saucy thing (chocolate sauce, fruit syrup, whipped cream etc) make sure that it stays external and gets totally cleaned off afterwards. Even if they’ve been licking it clean you should probably have a quick shower to be sure, because if they apply sauce and then finger you and you forget the sauce is up there, you could end up with a yeast infection.
 
If you get really adventurous, and move from food to random objects – please remember to clean (and probably condom) everything. Cold objects are a common desire in sexytime; icecubes and frozen dildos or iceblocks (again, no sugar, I mean literal blocks of ice). Be gentle with these things, because your bits are pretty sensitive and not everyone gets off on the chill factor. Vaginas respond to warmth, so putting something frozen up there can mean it tightens and won’t play ball for some people.
 
Sex and foodie or foreign objects are a pretty common occurrence, but just be clever. Clean things first: cover them if they’re likely to carry high sugar, acid or bacteria; and take it easy on your funparts.

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