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May 23, 2011 | by  | in Opinion |
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Letters

Request for Pi-Flavoured Salient

Dear Salient,

I’ve noticed that everytime that I read Salient, I’ve both found it interesting than boring later on…What I’m trying to say is that, being a PI (Pacific Islander not Private Investigator although that seems like the right word @ the moment) anyways…I just wanted to say if it is possible that on your next issue out to have artical on “Pacific Flavor” or a joke or a short story written by a PI?…I mean, I’m not saying that I don’t like reading what you guys write about but it’s nice to read something that has a lot of different flavor, ideas, sense of humour or even prespective in life…Like when you taste different kinds of KOF chips or drink different kinds of wine….Do you guys get what I’m trying to say?…Anyways I think I said too much…I talk too much too…lols..Thanks

Jetzy

***

A Different View on Construction

Dearest Hot-Tottie-lient

Has anyone else noticed how sexy some of the construction workers are?? As I was drudging up to my usual study spot in the library one day, there they were, a group of them. Tight white tees, blue overalls, brown muscles glistening. So hot. It beats me why people complain about the noise all the time. As we come in to get our little degrees in hopes of getting a job that we probably will never get anyway, the reality is that they too are investing time and money into something that they probably will never see again once its finished. Yet people have the audacity to whinge and moan about the construction noise. Some people around campus laugh and talk louder than that. Quit whining. Its getting old.

Yours faithfully-til-the-day-i-die-unless-i-marry-a-construction-worker-although-i-would-rather-check-them-out-from-afar

***

Someone’s been eating their crusts

Dear Salient,

To the girl with the reeeeally curly hair. Like really curly. If you have only kind of, sort of, averagely curly hair, this is not you. You were in the library on Wednesday when I was studying, around lunchtime, on the 4th floor.

You. Are. Beautiful.

Hope you read this.

C

***

Pride in One’s Work

Dear Salient

Have you ever ordered a coffee that still burns your tongue after 15 minutes? Or a hot chocolate that doesn’t come with marshmallows even though you can blatantly see the marshmallows sitting in a container next to the coffee machine..

As a first year uni student, i work part time as a barista at a busy cafe(nothing fancy). I am usually reluctant to order hot drinks because i know i like them (and i actually have to pay for them). I’m not saying i’m the best barista around but I do put effort into my coffee making, it took me ages to feel confident and I still fuck up all the time, i just start over.

To the various baristas around Kelburn, is it seriously so hard to use a thermometer? (Usually there is even a little red point where it tells you to stop). Or to bang the jug to get rid of any excess air? I don’t want my latte milk to look like a cappuccino because you were to lazy to scrape off a little foam before you poured.

Sincerely

Pissed off, part time barista.

***

Individualism foiled

So I could be known as Tin Foil Hat Girl (because I occasionally wear a tin foil hat), but I have never asked a question about a graph in class (but I am a third/fourth year). Please let me know that you were not talking about me? Maybe you could describe the hat?

Tin Foil Hat Girl (Number 2?)

***

Everything’s easier in Hamilton

Dear Salient

Where the hell are all the musicians at? Specifically drummers. I’m from Hamilton and I had an easier time getting bands started up there than I have here.
Hamilton. I don’t think you understand how serious the situation is when Hamilton is beating somewhere else at something.

Playing in my dorm is getting lonely, sweet salient. I just want some like-minded people to play some Shoegaze with. Or Psychedelic Rock. Or Blues. Or Funk. ANYTHING.

Sincerly, that guy who would blow his money on a guitar instead of food.

***

Salient: An Organ of Student Opinion

Dear Sali-lient again.
Must you publish ill-informed diatribes by undergrads re; the staff and post-grad bar/cafe?
There has been such a facility for ages, and it was out of the way so as to attract less attention and give staff a well-deserved view and ‘nice area’ which most pokey offices don’t have. Staff and post-grads actually have a heavier workload than undergrads.
Now it is a different facility, near construction works, with no view, and with bad food. And near students we need time away from as they bleat away with the same half-formed ideas all the time. The quality and location of the facility is really up to staff and post-grads to grumble about through more useful channels than Salient.
But Jackh and friends, go away. Stop being rude. Universities are founded on things other than elitism and in trying to answer points about why staff and postgrads should have a separate space on campus to relax away from undergrads, NOBODY said ‘we are better than you’. We’ve just been around longer and don’t need to be badgered about assignments and 100-level concepts when trying to relax. You are being sensationalist and jumping up and down with rants and ideas…oh yes, you are undergrad. Possibly 1st year. I doubt you are a mature student, or you’d have more sense about the real world and looking like an angry self-centered dick. We all pay taxes and fees for things that not all people use (though I don’t actually know where the funding to Milk and Honey came from). Get over it. Take a breath and grow up, and come see us in Milk and Honey, or it’s successor, when you have matured enough, worked enough, and calmed down enough to be able to reflect, look at evidence and reasonably debate a point.
John.
Postgrad/tutor

***

Go ahead, Vic, make his day

Dear Clintlient,

As you are probably aware it is Clint Eastwood’s birthday on the 31st May. I want to know why this day is not a university holiday in recognition of the legend that is Clint. It would be entirely appropriate for VUW to schedule no classes for this day so that students can  celebrate the career of Clint. Mandatory atire for the 31st of May is either a poncho, paying homage to Clint’s performance as The Man with No Name in Leone’s ‘Dollars’ Trilogy, or a flared grey suit, as in Dirty Harry. Alcohol to be consumed is of course whiskey. Other people are to be referred to as punks and if offended you are obliged to shoot everyone in the room. If you are not a diehard fan and do not wish to pay full tribute to Clint by imitating one of his characters then I suppose it will be ok to spend the day watching the highlights of his filmography. But only so long as you wear a poncho and drink whiskey whilst doing so.

Yours from the West,

Blondie

PS Vuwsa should actually play a clint eastwood film for the movie club on June 1. Would be totally appropriate and if they could totally make it a dress up and play the clint eastwood drinking game. In fact, if they don’t it will be awkward..

***

A mixed bag

Dear John Key I don’t like you anymore I think our relationship ended due to your body guards never letting me visit you, Your helicopters waking me up in the early morning whilst I’m trying to get some sleep and the fact that you seem to kiss ass to the royals seriously I’ve done a better cat walk than you Just ask Seamus Brady.

Anyone want to suggest who I should vote for?

P.S. Thanks to VC and D stent for an awesome Double Down feast at the local KFC tho Di chen Variety Bucket Women !!!

To my Lovely China Field Trip Buddies Best “Poon” Ever ,also No I will not have your Biracial Babies, I’m way Too “Young” ask me in 10 years

PPS: Ladies Text Johnny Crawford he needs a Winter Spoon and is also President/chairman of the Cultural Committee (He has Money to spend on you) on 0276668236

Kind regards
Alan Young
Graduate

***

No possibilities discounted

Salient. I would like to pose my hypothesis regarding the hunter lounge staff being robots. They are way too nice. Like, beyond human nice. I think they may be Stepford wives or something.. Also, they are all ridiculously good looking and have epic clothes ALL THE TIME! I can’t quite decide whether they were programmed that way or if they are plotting against us.. My quest goes ever on.

Yours truly,

Ash :D

***

Getting slushy over Ally

Dear Anti-Ally Sillyent Readers,

Ally Garrett is and has always been awesome!
I was in a play with her in primary school, (well, ‘in’ is a stretch, I was 7 & had no role other than to sing & look pretty in the background) when drama was compulsory. Mrs Spiers being the posh, anorexic drama-nazi that she was I wasn’t going to even cough in her presence, let alone try for a main role. Ally, on the other hand, year 8 I think, braved the dangers & pursued her young acting career (which continues today: I saw her on a poster in the city recently). I admired Miss Garrett for having such a natural bent for acting but not being a stuck up bitch at the same time – she even talked to us once, the dorky nobodies/extras that we were, during a rehearsal; turning around to sneakily eat her slushy, (hell yeah popsicle slushies! Sigh, I miss the nineties) & I forever envied her ability to not be utterly despised by the bone-dragon.

I just realized that memory in no way defends Ally’s writing… I’m not going to say everyone should agree with her every word, but if you don’t like her article, don’t read it! I don’t like beer, but I don’t bitch about the beer column existing because it’s only my opinion that beer is pure dirt and tonic water..

Peace out wastoids.

P.S. Sorry to Ally if she finds it weird that I remember her eating a slushy once.

***

Like living above a brothel

‘A Poem Regarding Library Construction Noise’

Writing writing
BANGING BANGING
I’ll focus harder
I’LL HAMMER HARDER
It’s not distracting
I LOVE CONTRACTING
Soon it has to stop
POWER TOOLS ARE HOT
I’m leaving this place, my ears are pounding
I’M WAVING THIS MACE I BREAK THE BUILDING

***

You forgot ‘penis’

Dear J. Joyce,
Your personals ad spurred a plethora of wondrous sensations deep, deep inside of me. Perhaps you would be so kind as to prod me with your pork sword in order to discover the root of this terrible affliction?
I get so damn horny when I have a massive assignment due. Hitherto, my ginormous vibrator has been able to relieve the sexual tensions that public policy and inflation analysis have built up inside of me. Do you think you’d match up to my seven-speed rabbit? For the love of hey-zeus, I hope so.
Two things to consider before you reply:
1: When I’m licking and sucking and stroking your delicious you know whatist can you moan and sigh lots? It turns me on.
2: Do you have a love swing? They look like fun.
I can’t wait to meet your John Thomas, chopper, wang, joystick, wiener, winkle, prick, dong, cock, schlong, knob, pecker, todger.
Yours Sincerely,
E. Clery

***

Super-eared postgrad returns

Dear John Key Shonky Donky person
There is a sign and it has been up since March. I know because I made it. Alternatively, if you are celebrating near the hand in boxes, there are large signs at the kitchenette one wall across which ask you nicely to be quiet. Good luck with library noise and thanks for your concern
Yours sincerely

Postgrad who can hear every word said in the Cotton level 2 office corridor

Dear Jackh

If your balls are so big why not just walk into Milk and Honey?
However, good point about student fees. I hope the fact that my student loan is almost at $50,000 will help you realise that my many years of study have meant my fees are in there too. Just as they are in a whole bunch of shit I will never use, such as the new development. As you can read from my pseudonym, I can hear everything through the door even when locked and when signs such as the one previously discussed are in place. Also, the workload is normal, it is just different to those who only attend one or two classes a day. Obviously I whine less than you too, as my letter didn’t need to be abridged.
Best of luck with your political studies/law/economics/humanities degree

Postgrad who can hear every word said in the Cotton level 2 office corridor

PS Yes salient, we do read you. Nice work this year BTW

***

Late-night incident

To whom it may concern

On Friday night, I, like many others living in Wellington went out to socialise and catch up with friends. The Southern Cross was the venue. Arriving a little after ten and to a relatively empty bar I was in the outside area taking a phone call when a foriegn object was thrown at me from a large table of Victoria University students. I was able to identify them as students of Victoria University as a person with my group recognised them from various courses.

I finished my phone call and approached the lad who threw the object at me. I would like to state that I have never seen nor had anything to do with anyone in this group prior to this incident. The lad who threw the object denied throwing anything (despite me clearly seeing him throw it) and rather quickly encouraged his mates to surround myself and the friends I was with. They  used stand over tactics in an attempt to dissolve the matter by verbal abuse and power by numbers. As you can imagine I was less than impressed and more so when invited to sort the matter out on our own, which, of course, was not an option for the mouthy student.

Now, I can understand that some students think they’re bullet proof when out in public and especially in large groups and I can understand the machismo involved when showing off to the people in their environment but not being able to back up their abusive and aggressive approach when confronted with the issue is cowardly.

And this guy was a coward if ever I came across one.

I own a small business and I give Victoria University students generous discounts on goods, I allow them to publicise and advertise coming events and promote their work and whatever else on the walls of my business and I allow for a weekly drop of Salient. However I am considering cutting all ties.

I know that only a small percentage on students at Victoria University are losers when in public and clearly do not know how to behave but it is this portrayal that sticks and gives them and Victoria University a bad reputation.

Nik O’Connell

***

Spicy/saucy

Hey bebe

I love giving taco flavored kesses to my baby!!!!!!!!!!!

Brent

***

He is offended because…

Dear salient,

Well actually dear Ally smelly writes shitty articles for Salient Garrett! I am offended because… because I hate reading your column about how you are so offended. For the last few weeks I have grabbed my issue of Salient and been shocked to see that your articles are being printed! Sorry actually I haven’t been shocked, I have been disgusted. One week it’s about girls who catch the number 9 bus, another it’s about how you hate everything in life it seems. Well Ally smelly, I HATE YOU! You and your constant moaning. I’m actually disappointed in myself that I have let your pathetic writing skills, get to me so badly.
Your humour is the worst part. Your humour and your attitude. Whenever you aren’t sounding like an attention seeking emo (Eww so 2007) you are sounding like a total moo cow on heat. It’s alright to be offended about things but at least try to make them good! Like here are a couple things I’m offended at:
a) You
b) Uni-stop staff that hold onto your card
and c) Student Union Building male toilets have crap mirrors.
Maybe try writing about something that truly, madly, deeply from the bottom of your soul offends you.
Sorry for the personal attack but until you pick your game up or stop writing for Salient I will hate you forever.
From: Rueben Radford
P.s I know I used the word hate, but I actually mean dislike (used it for dramatic effect).

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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