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July 11, 2011 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Constance

Hi Constance.
I’m in my late 20’s and in a sexless relationship (my girlfriend is holding out till marriage) and I am constantly surrounded by extremely hot (apparently horny—according to those who write to you) teenage girls at uni. Walking around with a hard-on 24/7 isn’t the most desirable of situations to be in, although making the most of said hard-on with said hotties would be. Short of belting one off every half an hour though, or asking every hot girl I see if she’s (quote Jersey Shore) DTF, how is one meant to go about their everyday business of learning without being distracted by all this filthy-hot pussy?

Dear Douchebag

You didn’t leave a pseudonym, so just roll with it.

The ‘horny’ girls who write in to me may enjoy sex and want advice on the topic, but unless I am missing something, I am pretty sure none of them expressed the panty-soaking desire to sleep with some creepy dude with a girlfriend. Sorry to kill your boner.

Douchebag, please understand I am usually sex positive and I am well aware that ‘creep’ is not a sex positive word. But I really mean it here: you are a giant creep and you need to cut that shit out.

Let me be clear—being ravenously horny is not creepy. Thinking about fucking other people while in a relationship is not creepy. However, while you play yourself the world’s tiniest violin about your girlfriend who is “holding out” (as opposed to, you know, deciding to exercise her right to have sex when she is ready), you’re also scoping out all the other girls around you. And thinking about how you’d like to make the most of your poor lonely boner with them. All the while your girlfriend is presumably clueless. That’s a big tick on ‘creepy’ (and also objectification, dishonesty and general douchebaggery… hence your new name).

You ask how to go about learning without being distracted? Get a personality transplant and quickly. Not only does your girlfriend deserve better than you drooling over all of the hot young girls on campus and thinking about their filthy hot pussies and your permanent boner, you also seem to have some seriously fucked ideas about the women around you.

Believe it or not, Douchebag, hot girls that walk around uni aren’t there for your viewing pleasure. They don’t give a shit about what’s in your pants, or how sex-deprived you are because of your supposedly ‘frigid’ girlfriend. They especially don’t care about how you seem to have created a back story for them—about how they’re teenagers who write into me expressing their innermost desires while flicking the bean, and who would positively quiver at the opportunity to be asked if they’re down to fuck.

It sounds to me like you are one accepted proposition away from cheating on your girlfriend—that is, if you haven’t already. So do yourselves both a favour and be honest with her. Tell her that you are desperate for sex, regardless of being in a relationship with her, and that she deserves much better than someone who sees women as walking vaginas all out to torture him by creating under-utilised erections.

Then, before you involve some other poor girl in your clusterfuck of problematic attitudes, you might want to go and do some deep thinking about how harmful it can be to view women as sex objects (including the ones who “won’t put out”), and how deciding that women are horny based on anything less than a direct expression of their desire to fuck you personally can lead to the justification of fucked-up sexual behaviors including harassment and sexual assault.

In other words, Douchebag, sort your incredibly creepy shit out.

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Comments (12)

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  1. I love Constance says:

    This is so incredibly on point in every way. Constance FTW.

  2. CY says:

    I totally agree that the guy should come clean with his girl on his high libido. Having said that, I think Constance is being a little too harsh on this guy — since she acknowledges herself that being ravenously horny and having fantasies is natural, plus there’s no indication that the guy has actually cheated on his girl. Perhaps, the best advice for the guy is to continue masturbating every half an hour (coming from a guy with high libido myself, albeit single). That, and coming clean with his girl.

  3. Meg says:

    Best answer ever.

  4. Doctor Bastard says:

    Dear Constance.

    I fucking love you. No, really. I couldn’t have said it better myself. What a douchebag.

    Much Love,
    Doctor Bastard.

  5. Clement McBigglewaddle says:

    Perhaps CY needs his own sex column, with such enlightening advice. (Also, anyone else think he is Douchebag?)

  6. QW says:

    I agree with CY – this was OTT.

  7. QW says:

    And sex-negative.

  8. DJT says:

    This isn’t entirely consistent. Thinking about fucking other people while in a relationship is not in itself creepy, but then thinking about fucking other people while in a relationship is also a big tick on ‘creepy’? I think the first kind of ‘thinking about fucking other people’ needs to be explained a bit better, since I’m not seeing a difference.

    I don’t think this guy is a douchebag because of what he was thinking, since as far as I know ‘thought crime’ isn’t something we’re actually doing yet. If anything makes him a douchebag, it’s the language he used and the manner in which he phrased his thoughts. I mean yeah, this guy is totally a major douchebag.

    I think he needs to make more female friends in order to develop a more respectful and mature attitude, but unfortunately he is almost certainly going to drive any potential femal friends away. It’s the Catch-22 of douchebaggery.

    I agree he should definitely tell his girlfriend. The situation will resolve itself either way.

  9. DJT says:

    Actually, I just realised this guy is in his late 20s, not teens at all as I had assumed. An impressionable teenager with no world experience I can understand, but what the fuck? A lot of the ‘filthy-hot pussy’ he is referring to is just out of high school, maybe even ten years younger than him.

    Has this guy not ever, ever had sex? Isn’t there a statute of limitations on that?

  10. Electrum Stardust says:

    Even someone like me (i.e. hardly a paragorn of virtue) readily concedes that said girlfriend holds the Royal Prerogative in such circumstances.

  11. Electrum Greenstone says:

    Dear TEREO-lient:

    Just wondering: Is it not inconceivable that “Wai-te-ata” (from “Wai-te-ata Road”) could have orginally meant “water of reflected image” instead of “water of the morning“?

    “Still round the corner there may wait
    A new road or a secret gate […]”

  12. Blaidd drwg says:

    DJT, she says “being ravenously horny is not creepy. Thinking about fucking other people while in a relationship is not creepy”

    THEN says “scoping out all the other girls around you. And thinking about how you’d like to make the most of your poor lonely boner with them. All the while your girlfriend is presumably clueless. That’s a big tick on ‘creepy”

    Thinking about having sex with another person is totally different to walking around with a constant boner because you want to fuck every “filthy-hot pussy” that comes into view.

    This guy has some serious issues.

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