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July 25, 2011 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Constance

This week, Constance Cravings responds to a series of short sharp ones for your swiftly-answerable needs.

Hey CC
My girl doesn’t find giving me head enjoyable, so is there anyway to make it more appealing? Because talking to her doesn’t make her any more keen.

If she’s not keen, she’s not keen. And that’s okay. If you haven’t already, you could suggest some food play to make your man-meat more like a fun, chocolate-covered treat. Otherwise, if trying to talk about it isn’t working, you’re just going to have to drop it or move on, buddy.

My lovely boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now and we have a great sex life. We both enjoy trying new exciting (sometimes very kinky) things and lately I have been curious about doing it up the bum. I like when he slips out or touches my bum and I think I’d enjoy it. We have mentioned it before but I think we both have been apprehensive because we really have no idea how much poop is really involved. He isn’t too stoked with the idea of a shitty dick and I don’t particularly want to poop all over him. How do we prepare, both physically and mentally, for this? Please advise!
Shank Queen

Firstly, you have to make peace with the fact that poop does indeed come out of there. Short of getting a colonic and porn-star anal bleaching before you venture into butt-fun, you’re probably always going to be reminded of its primary function—so say goodbye to your squeamishness now.
Secondly, try some non-penile objects first: toys, fingers, etc. Maybe cover your finger with a condom or wear a latex glove (for that extra medical fetish effect) just to get yourselves used to chilling out with your bum. Use a good lubricant and work up to larger objects very slowly. All in all, the potential for pleasure will hopefully overrule any lingering fear of poop, but also be open to the fact that not everyone loves bum-action, and you can dabble but not be sold. That’s OK too.

Dear Constance,
I have been sleeping with this girl for a little while now, and we keep having the same problem. After I finish in her, the spunk just comes right back out all over my sheets when I pull out. We have tried all kinds of dismounts, and positions, and we always end up with giant patches of man juice everywhere. Is this a problem that everyone faces and never talks about? How do we stop this? The sex is so primal but the dismount is so awkward. This is not fair. Google has no solutions, nor does There is nowhere left for us to turn.
The Splodger

What the? I don’t even… Laws of physics, anyone? What goes up must come down, bro. Your girlfriend is not a permanent splodge receptacle, nor is her vagina a sponge. Wear a condom if you don’t want to make a mess. Also, is a misogynistic, boring, heteronormative, boring excuse for an incredibly sexist (and did I mention boring) website. Cut that shit out.

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  1. Heteronormative says:

    Speaking of misogynistic, boring, heteronormative, boring and sexist, how come you assumed the first questioner was male?

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