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July 11, 2011 | by  | in Opinion |
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Karaoke A-OK with Kooky Aoraki Quartet

‘Ahhhhh, shit’—Dani Walker, up-and-coming Aoraki vocalist

In April of this year, Aoraki quartet ‘Here’s That Tenor I Owe Ya’ raised $3000 to be able to travel to the capital to compete in Wellington City’s ‘Big Voices, Bad Choices’ contest. What they didn’t realise was that they were actually seeking financial support from community members to fund a trip to Wellington’s infamous Club K in order to take part in a karaoke competition, the grand prize of which was a $200 bar tab.

“It should have occurred to us that it might not have been the prestigious national competition we had imagined when looking at the title, ‘Big Voices, Bad Choices’,” said group manager Kathy Paulssen.

“It does sort of sound like a karaoke competition, now that I think about it… And the abundance of drink specials posted on the Facebook event page was another give away.”

Despite the mix-up, the group performed admirably, stunning judges with impassioned performances of U2’s ‘With or Without You’ and Scissor Sisters’ ‘Take Your Mama Out’. They failed to impress the panel, however, with a failed rendition of UB40’s ‘Red, Red Wine’, claiming they “had no idea the rap part went on for so bloody long”.

The group came in third, and each singer was awarded a Jagermeister cap. In first place was a duo of two frighteningly drunk girls, Sarah and Harriet, and in second was a guy called Chris something.

“The girls were really a sight to behold. Sarah, wasted, kept trying all these sexy dance moves, and she really screwed the pooch every time, but they had a lot of force on stage regardless. Also, I think Mark [another panellist] is currently pounding Harriet so we sort of had to let them win,” judge Alan Keong told Salient.

“As for Chris, I think he was high. Like, next-level stoned. He could barely write his first name, and definitely couldn’t write his surname… What does this say? ‘Seymons’? ‘Silman’? These aren’t letters. It took him about eight minutes to get to the stage, and he was singing so quietly I have no idea what song he even did. To be honest I’m impressed he even got up there.”

At time of writing, ‘Here’s That Tenor I Owe Ya’ had returned to a very unimpressed Aoraki community who “just wished that [they’d] been told that there was karaoke on offer”.

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