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July 25, 2011 | by  | in Features |
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You Can’t Beat The Suburbs of Wellington On A Good Day

Te Aro

Cold. Damp. Full of hippies. Who would have thought a house could get no sun? At all. In summer. Aro Park is a punk hang-out; the perfect place for fried food and nurturing a substance dependency.

Khandallah

Rich fuckers festering in a Tim Burton suburban hell. The trains never run on time. Once I asked out a girl at the video store and she fake-numbered me. The bitch.

Brooklyn

Full of dog-hating sweaty young families who look at you (and your dog) like you’re trying to steal their babies. Closest ‘burb to the dump shop, which, honestly, is probably where you should be, you bohemian asshole.

Newtown

Home to the refuse of society and art wankers. Slowly being gentrified, thank god. People treat this whole suburb as an extension of their living room, wearing fluffy slippers and bathrobes to get a greasy hangover feed on a Sunday morning, like the human fucking ferals they are. Has gotten safer lately with just three murders a year. Likely to encounter hipsters and human skidmarks.

Mt Vic

Up-and-coming professional wankers. This is where your landlord lives. Soon to be violated by a fucking great big flyover. At least it’s close to town; unfortunately, it’s also close to the gnat-brained boy racers on Kent Terrace.

Kilbirnie

Kind of like Hamilton. If you don’t like Wellington, you’ll probably love it. Enjoy the noise from the airport—hope it doesn’t deafen you before Pantera or whatever terrible music you like does it first.

Lyall Bay

Home to the resilient Maranui café, which has caught fire twice but totally refuses to take the hint.

Karori

Cold and far away, why are you even considering this? Local drivers refer to cyclists as human lice. Biggest suburb in the southern hemisphere, can’t see why. An emotionally desolate desert, fit only for the alone and infirm. Like you.

Kelburn

“Only two minutes from uni, bro!” Still not worth it. It’s a choice between the tasteless grey bakeries, or throwing yourself off the cable car. You should choose the third option: gargling fucking acid until the poison that is existence no longer troubles you.

Island Bay

Look forward to your neighbours complaining about any noise above a whisper. Was home to cool people, then they died. Now it’s just middle-class people and freaks who like to pretend through holey sheets that they’re middleclass.

Miramar

Does anyone live here? Rumours tell of a porn palace with plush carpet, a room full of mirrors and an indoor pool. If the entire suburb were to sink, no-one would miss it. Not even the people who drown in it.

Hataitai

Enjoy getting cancer from the tunnel, and stumbling upon 16-year-olds getting fish-fingered in the 24-hour laundromat.

Northland

Oh, really? Why not just move to the fucking moon?

CBD

Ideal for socalites, low- to mid-level drug dealers and those who can only orgasm when elderly women put cigars out on their clits or balls.

Thorndon

Home to the most expensive New World in New Zealand, Katherine Mansfield’s birthplace, and a terrible swimming pool in which I hope you drown.

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (5)

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  1. So where ARE we supposed to live?

  2. Ellis says:

    This is one of the worst pieces of journalism I have ever seen in Salient..

  3. owen says:

    …journalism?

  4. Used to be young says:

    Got your angst out?

  5. Your Name says:

    Disappointed by omission of Wilton, Wadestown, Seatoun, Strathmore, Highbury, and a shitload of other terrible places.

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