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August 8, 2011 | by  | in Opinion |
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I Am Offended Because… Five People to Wikipedia

Hi Salient. Now look, I know this column is kind of slack. Sorry Elle. Sorry Uther. Sorry readers. I just had quite a big weekend because my friend Scarlett was here visiting from Japan and I spontaneously reverted back to my 19-year-old self. One minute Scarlett was getting off the plane and the next minute I was in the Mill spending $94 on the ingredients for ‘Liquid Cocaine’. (By the way, if any readers know Leng, the Cambodian taxi driver who patiently waited for my friends and me to vomit on the side of the road before driving us to Cuba Street, please tell him I’m sorry.) Thus, my emaciated liver and I bring to you a column which probably isn’t going to change the world, but it might be okay to read in a lecture. From one procrastinator to another, here are five people you should Wikipedia when you’re really, really bored.

Albert Fish

Do you guys like reading about serial killers? I know I do. I can’t handle scary films (to the point that once I screamed out loud during Jurassic Park) but holy shit, do I love to spook myself by reading about SENSATIONALISED TRUE CRIME. This habit started when I had a desk job that was so boring that the only way I could forget I was at work was by reading about Ted Bundy. I’ve done my research, and trust, Albert Fish is the worst serial killer. Two words: roasted buttocks.

Hedy Lamarr

Do you feel like reading about a bad ass Austrian lady who fled an abusive, Nazi-sympathising husband by disguising herself as a maid and went on to be a famous film star? AND she invented some kind of Wi-Fi network computer technology like 60 years before Wi-Fi networks were even a thing. I’m hazy on the details but seriously, her Wikipedia page is one hell of a trip.

Mabel Stark

I hate animal cruelty as much as the next free-range-egg-buying person but let me just say, if you’re feeling bored and boring the person to spice up your afternoon might just be Mabel Stark. She was the world’s first female tiger trainer. No biggie.

Cher

I know that people like to go on about Anna Karenina and other people like to wax lyrical about Joseph Franzen but as far as I’m concerned the Cher Wikipedia page is all the novel I need. Some people like chapters and motifs and linguistic prowess but at the end of the day usually I just want to read about Cher’s midriff fashions and Cher’s dabbling in Buddhism and Cher’s multiple cameos on Will & Grace. Any Wikipedia that has an entire section dedicated to the song ‘Believe’ is fine by me. If you ask me, Tolstoy could only have improved if he added a few paragraphs about believing in life after love.

Annie Sprinkle

Annie Sprinkle is one of my heroes. She has made a living out of showing people her cervix. If that doesn’t get thee to Google, I don’t know what will.

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