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September 5, 2011 | by  | in Features |
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Get the fuck over yourself: Incoherent advice from a self-professed failure

I’m not seven feet tall with bleached teeth and a microphone conspicuously attached to my jaw.

My name isn’t comfortingly alliterative, and it lacks connotations of heartland values. Nor do I have a 14-step, colour-coded, pyramid-based plan to self-actualisation to present to you with an overhead transparency. But I do know what’s right for you. I know you’re not happy, not getting enough sex, under-skilled, and borderline friendless. You needn’t worry, though: so are most people, and it’s easily fixed. Follow this simple advice to become mercilessly awesome.

Social Life

You should never forget the past, particularly your old friends. Your best friends will always be those who share a common history (read: tragedy). You need people who understand where you came from, so that they can forgive you for being so useless now. Hunt out that kid who used to pull your hair in Year 4, and that guy who peed in your shoes in Year 9. These people know where you came from—namely, pink glitter jelly sandals and Lycra bike shorts (true story). Friend them on Facebook and rekindle the bond.
On second thoughts, your old friends are holding you back. It’s time to cull the dead wood from your proverbial rose garden. Get out more. I hear the bookshop is a good place to meet new people. Find someone flicking through a Penguin Classic, and you can form an instant bond; all you have to do is adopt a suitably erudite/pretentious tone and say, “Oh, you like books too?” You might even be able to trick them into sleeping with you.

Actually, friends aren’t good for your happiness. They’ll always be distracting you, or making you feel inadequate by comparison. Spend more time by yourself, stewing in your own juices. Rage about how noone values you and lay plans for revenge. Reflective solitude is good for the soul.

Studying and Working

Your student loan is probably in the multiple tens of thousands of dollars, but you’re taking a few art history and English literature papers. It’s time to take life more seriously. You need direction. Drop your quasi-intelligentsia papers and begin a Serious Career immediately: I suggest medicine, law or commerce. How else will you succeed in life?
And get a part-time job, you lazy animal. Nothing provides a sense of direction like a good 10 hours a week spent contributing to the economy by wiping tables at McDonald’s. Further, the money you earn from your newfound productivity should be saved; God forbid you spend it on frivolous luxuries.

That said, this is the only time of your life that you can get away with being outrageously lazy. Considering how you will feed yourself post-graduation is not worth the stress. Hit the books less, and the bong more. Sleep in until midday. Celebrate calling in sick to work with a bottle of gin. Rinse and repeat until you are happy.

Love

This is the prime of your life. You are mildly attractive, reasonably fun to be around, and not too impotent. When you turn 27, this will all be over. This means you must not just play the field, but plough it too. Spread your wild oats near and far. Sleep with as many people as possible.

For those of you older than 20, realise that death is imminent. You are going to wake up one morning to find yourself senile and decrepit in a home for the elderly inappropriately entitled ‘Sunlit Meadows’. This might be acceptable if you have a predilection for bingo and staring out a window, but if not, you will need a spouse to shout at. Settle down as quickly as possible. Find yourself a partner now, before you become ugly. Be really nice for a year and lure them into marriage. Problem solved.

My usual preference is to be as cryptic as possible, so as to maintain an alluring shroud of mystery. Normally this would preclude me from explaining the ‘moral’ of the article, but today I am feeling blunt. Fuck what other people tell you about happiness (especially me). Do what you like.

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Comments (3)

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  1. Thejackel says:

    Worst advice. EVER.

  2. Sarah says:

    Loved this article! Absolutely one of my favourites from Salient so far, hilariously clever,

  3. alex says:

    Actually i think your name is charmingly alliterative. And my previous post makes me look illiterate.

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