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September 12, 2011 | by  | in Opinion |
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The Week That Wasn’t – Ugly Children Cause Traffic Accident, Concerns For World Cup

Following two major traffic accidents on the weekend, each one concurrent with the presence of unattractive youths, the Council is considering appearance—on the first occasion of two very ugly toddlers, and on the second by one, slightly older but objectively far more physically displeasing child—as being the primary cause for each accident.

The first accident, caused by the ugly toddlers, involved three family sized cars and a motorcycle piling up in the middle of the intersection of Willis St and Lambton Quay when a mother, 37, reached the pedestrian crossing holding the hands of her two unappealing and in no way endearing children.

Courier driver Nathan Wilmott, 26, described the sight of the two odd children as “engrossing … sort of like watching a car crash, where you want to look away but your eyes won’t let you, which is funny, you know, given the circumstances”.

Jane Prendergast, mother of the two unfortunate wee things, Kiki and Popo, could not be reached for comment. The children remain quite displeasing.

The second incident, a two-car head-on collision on Tinakori Road, appears to have been caused by an “awful” seven-year-old. The child’s age has been confirmed by his father, 33, and quite rightly offended, but sources report that the child’s frightening appearance “might have tricked [you] into thinking he was some kind of shrunken old man”.

While these two traffic accidents suggest that something more might need to be done about road safety provisions such as lowering speed limits in certain areas, inner-city and otherwise. The issue that also comes to light for Parliament to consider in the coming week’s Parliamentary Group Talking Session, is a question of what sort of precautions can be put in place to hide all the ugly people in New Zealand during the World Cup so visiting nations “don’t get the wrong idea”.

Labour leader Phil Goff announced a Member’s Bill covering such an issue in a press statement: “The basic concept is to implement some kind of reverse curfew, letting those classed as A or B level: nasty, unsightly and repellent; out only after dark, and during daylight hours, requesting that they remain indoors. The goal of this is to attractive future investors and immigrants to New Zealand with an outwardly beautiful population. In these rocky economic times, drastic measures will sometimes be required and hideous people will sometimes be sacrificed for the greater good.”

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