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October 3, 2011 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Constance

Dear Constance
you may be the only reason I pick up a Salient each week. I’ve been in a relationship with my man for a few years now and the sex is getting boring. I love him and he tries hard but he is not very creative. I’ve had him fulfil some of my fantasies and despite asking him to share some of his, he never comes up with any. So we just go through the motions. Can you suggest some tips and tricks maybe even some daring positions to bring out the passion?
—Longing for Lust

You know what’s interesting is that I am starting to genuinely think some people don’t have fantasies or fetishes. Well, further than your ‘I like girls in sexy lingerie’ stock standards, and given that I have people with poop-happy boyfriends and garden nudists writing in to me, I feel like the stock standards probably don’t get enough attention. So I’m glad you wrote in.

I’m hesitant to give you tips and tricks because there are a million places like that, and frankly regular sex with your boyf should be just as important as the times when you decide to try something you saw in porn.

Your boyf might not have some deep longing for you to be bound in rope and ball-gagged, but he will have preferences. He will enjoy it when you dig your nails into his back a little bit when you’re fucking, or when you play with his balls while you’re giving him head. Whatever those little things might be, focus on them, and get him to focus on your little things. That way, even though you might not be having wild crazy sex—you’re having good sex.

Wild sex is awesome, but you don’t need that to have passion. Passion is exploring the other person, bouncing off their reactions and generally being in the moment focussed entirely on what’s feeling great. Build things up really, really slowly from teasing to full on fucking, and let him know when you’re enjoying it with some seriously vocal appreciation.  Build-up is so important—double the length of your foreplay, get him to wind you up with all of the things you like and refuse to fuck you until you’re gagging for it. And (if you have ladybits) until you are wet like a monsoon. Then by the time it’s P into V action, you’ll be so fucking into it you’re a little bit dizzy.

Let’s be honest though, when you’ve been with someone for a really long time, it’s not always going to be headboard clutching, heart pounding stuff. Getting into ruts that can last a really long time is super normal. Just ease yourself out of it with a renewed sense of interest in making him feel really good and taking your sweet time when you’re together, and I’m sure he will return the feeling. You say you love him, so make sure those moments really focus on that and how much you enjoy being with him. He’ll feel how much you’re into it, and hopefully give back. Which is pretty much the best thing we can all hope for when we get those moments alone. If it happens to go into wild territory because you really feel like being spanked that day then good for you, but work on the connection first and foremost.

Loves x

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