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October 10, 2011 | by  | in Opinion |
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The Week That Wasn’t – Study Reveals Kiwis Prefer Weather to Sport

A recent study undertaken by New Zealand Herald in conjunction with KiwiPoll, a private research company, has revealed that 82 per cent of New Zealanders prefer the weather segment of the news to the sports section.

The official statistic, 82 per cent, is based on a study of 20,000 New Zealand residents who told researchers that in regards to Channel One News, 76 per cent of viewers prefer to watch the meteorology segment of the news, and in regards to Channel Three News a whopping 88 per cent prefer the weather to the sport.

Clam Graemy, one of 4200 Wellington residents who took part in the survey, was in the majority. “It’s not that I don’t like rugby, don’t get me wrong, I love the All Blacks, I’m going absolutely wild for the World Cup, like fucking mental for it, but what the hell is Three News on about? Some clumsy looking ham sandwich called Janet Smunt has won the Budapest Tiny Yellow Cars race? A Lithuanian juggling team came second at the sack-of-turd Commonwealth games somewhere in Estonia? Who gives a shit? But if it’s raining tomorrow I’m not going to wear my new suede boots to school! That’s good current affairs, that is!

“I will admit, I tuned in last weekend when it was announced that Dan Carter was out of the World Cup for good due to a groin injury, that’s a real shame for the ABs. I tell you what though, I wouldn’t mind giving that Carter a groin injury of a different sort! By which I mean that I would like to do a lot of sex on that handsome fellow!” Graemy offered winkingly, unprovoked.

The results from the survey have proven “very interesting, but entirely useless,” divulged KiwiPoll Director of Operations, Rosco Dandre. “We weren’t quite certain what the outcome was going to be, and we can’t really remember why we launched this whole investigation—you would’ve thought we’d write our thesis down when we started! Hah, but no. We didn’t, so, we don’t really know where to go from here.”

Other noteworthy yet unhelpful results from the survey include that: 75 per cent of all children aged 8-10 have never even heard the term ‘MMP’; 32 per cent of women aged 17-30 are ‘better at cards than team sports’; and a mindboggling 48 per cent of all Salient readers aren’t going to notice that the last paragraph of this article doesn’t have a proper

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