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February 27, 2012 | by  | in Opinion |
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Roxy Heart & Prudence Lovelock

Last night, my boyfriend asked me to dress up as a French maid and speak French to him during sex. I couldn’t do it – it just made me really uncomfortable. I just started giggling and that is totally a turn-off. Can I just say no to my boyfriend? He seems really serious about it, and he’s never asked me anything like this before. But how can I stop myself being so weird about it?

– Less Awkward Role Play

Roxy

Sometimes LARP, as Roxy sees it, sex just is a little bit silly. Only in sappy films and the pornos is it a completely serious business, so don’t beat yourself up about giggling, because girl, we’ve all been there. Still, if it did totally kill the mood, remember that your man may be feeling kind of down about the whole thing right now, particularly if he was already nervous about it. Roxy’s Rule here is to be open about it. Tell him that you really want to do hot stuff together, and while the costume just didn’t work that night, you’re still keen to try and make it work for you both. A healthy sexual relationship is about two people trying to share the things that turn them on, even if those things are a smidgeon silly, so I really think you should at least give it a go.

Roxy also has a couple of suggestions for “making it work”. First, try easing elements of the role play into your normal lovemaking. Maybe whisper, in your sultriest French, as you kiss and cuddle him. Maybe try and do a little bit of make-believe without the costume so you start to get used to it. Overtime you could then add more elements of his fantasy without it tipping into a total turnoff.

Remember honey, this isn’t about forcing yourself to do things you don’t want to. It’s about being able to share the most with your partner, something that sometimes might need a bit of work, but is always worth it in the end.

Love, Roxy <3

P.S. Roxy would like to shout out to an awesome group of Wellington women trying to make our city a safer place. Hollaback Wellington is the local branch of an international movement aiming to stamp out street harassment. Check it out at wellington.ihollaback.org and try and help out in any way you can!

Prudence

This is no laughing matter, LARP, because what your boyfriend suggested is a very serious thing indeed. Not only does he want you to dress in a frilly costume, he wants you to dress as a French person in a frilly costume. It’s not hard to the join the dots here! He’s trying to trick you into joining the Catholic “Church”, and therefore condemn your soul to the eternal damnation of the papists.

If you can’t get yourself out of there right away, I need you take a couple of countermeasures to guarantee your spiritual safety. First, never eat any biscuits or drink any wine he offers you. That Toffee Pop and glass of Fat Bird chardonnay could easily be the pagan food-sin they call “communion”. As in, “communing with the devil”.

Second, I need you to stop speaking French. Now. Some people will say, “The Catholic Church is based in Italy, what’s your problem with French?” They are agents of Satan trying to trick you. All of Europe is united into a single empire called the “European Union”, and all those different “languages” are just the slight variations of a single ungodly tongue. They rebuilt the tower of Babel and called it Brussels. This is a fact.

Finally, though, while your boyfriend is most likely a satanic moon-cultist papist heretic, don’t let this experience turn you off the whole “maid” idea. Serving your man is part of your role as a woman, and, given you were able to write this letter yourself, I fear “liberal” society may already be giving you the wrong ideas.

Xoxo, Prudence.

 

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a professional, rather than a magazine columnist, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free and confidential. Phone 04 463 5310. Email counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz. Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (3)

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  1. Professor Aubergine says:

    Where the fuck is Constance?

  2. Lola says:

    Roxy is trying, and failing, to be Constance. Bring her back.

  3. Kate says:

    WTF is this? Fail at trying to copy
    Constance, bring her back!!!

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