February 27, 2012 | by  |
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The Week That Wasn’t – O Week Scalping Scandal

In a shocking turn of events, it has emerged that the sell-out sales to this week’s O-Week events was not due to popular student demand, but was rather the result of a new business venture by Labour Party politician and entrepreneur, Trevor Mallard MP.

Salient understands that the MP had bought all 1,000 tickets to the Mt Eden and Roots Manuva shows, set to be held as part of Victoria University’s O-Week 2012, in an attempt to scalp them on Trade me for a negligible to modest profit.

In a written statement to Salient, Mr. Mallard stated that the initiative was part of a broader fiscal scheme to bolster his personal income.

“The pay down at Parliament is bloody dire, to be honest,” he said.

“I mean, for fuck’s sake, what else was I meant to do?”

The plot was brought to light this morning after a group of Wellington teens reported Mallard’s online endeavours to the press.

“Come on now, this is getting ridiculous,” one victim stated, “this is the second time in a month Mallard’s tried to pull a gag like this.”

Mallard has remained defensive, tweeting, “@salientmagazine If John Key can sell off the family silver why cant (sic) I play a couple of lousy kids for a bitta (sic) cash?”

In an embarrassing attempt to attract attention, VUWSA has offered its usual whack theories, claiming that Mr. Mallard’s actions are a part of a broader institutional conspiracy to sabotage student culture.

“He’s one of them!” VUWSA President Bridie Hood screamed, throwing meaningless documentation at our reporter.

In the face of these accusations, Mr. Mallard has refused to capitulate to demands to return the tickets to the student body, vowing to fill the venue himself.

“It’s a matter of honour now,” he said, “But it’s all good. I’ll bring my Parliament bros along. Trev and the boys can always bring the party!”

Mr. Mallard claims he may just be able to scrape together a half-capacity crowd. All he needs to do is round up in one room everyone who wanted Phil Goff to be Prime Minister.

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About the Author ()

Ollie served dutifully alongside Asher Emanuel as Co-editor of Salient throughout the tumult of 2012. He has contributed to Salient since 2011 and intends to do so for the rest of his waking life.

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