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March 12, 2012 | by  | in Opinion |
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Mulled Whine With H. G. Beattie – The Science of Deduction: Accuracy At The Expense of Mystery

I am generally behind the curve. The first time I was out late enough to see a street-cleaning machine in action was last Monday. It took me two years to pick up on the whole ‘if u seek Amy’ double entendre.* So it fits that I’d get into Sherlock Holmes around a hundred and twenty five years after he was first published. Inspired by a Scottish medical professor for whom the author clerked, Sherlock is tall, dark, sociopathic and ragingly intelligent. The she-rection rages, amirite? Not even his tendency to spend weeks at a time idly injecting cocaine when the criminal underbelly of London isn’t giving him an inch can diminish him in my mind.

My skills of observation have been known to be outstripped by your average foetus. Yet I can’t seem to give up trying to apply Holmes’ science of deduction to my life. Previously my attempts at any kind of deduction were centred on either the weather (in the oh-that-I-were- Karen-from-Mean Girls sense, obviously, because having breasts that sense rain is on par cool-wise with dogs sensing earthquakes) or handwriting analysis. You probably already knew that the achievement-oriented cross their ‘t’s up high and the sexually frustrated write small. Take off your head-torches, nothing interesting here.

Sherlock Holmes’ particular method of deduction consists of careful observation and subsequent inference, combined with the elimination of the impossible, to find the truth that remains. While his knowledge of (to name a few) types of tobacco ash, imprints left by tyres, and ciphers are all profound, the principles of logic by which he reasons his conclusions are so goddamn simple. [I need to do a bit more reading to fill this in, but I’m not going to do it tonight]

Should you wish to partake, you will find multiple movies, television series, and a rad back catalogue of books. There are some parallels between Holmes and House. There are no parallels between Holmes and McDreamy. CBS over in the States is getting in on the action, casting among others Lucy Liu as ‘Joan’ Watson for an upcoming series. This upsets me for some vaguely sexist knee-jerk reason.

It doesn’t really bear thinking what I offer the Sherlockian eye. Talcum powder in the hair—woke up late, didn’t have time to wash it. Dark circles—malfunctioning sinuses, bad time management. Pinched expression—needs tights hitched up (not a euphemism), hangry.** Something that I will divulge to save us both time is that I think you should read or watch some Sherlock Holmes. In terms of a heads up, the BBC series is the tits. (Yes, I do hate myself for using that expression.) Adieu. I hope you have correctly deduced me to be a mad bint with an eye for an arrogant cokehead.

*I must shamefacedly admit to rehashing a successful faceboss status in providing this example. If u seek Amy with a frying pan, that was bold.

**Scientific term denoting anger brought on by hunger.

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