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March 4, 2012 | by  | in Opinion |
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Roxy Heart & Prudence Lovelock

Hi Roxy, I’m a 22 year-old guy with a bit of a problem. My girlfriend of two years is amazing, and I think I love her, but she’s way more into sex than I am. I’ve always been a guy who’d be happy with doing it maybe once every week or two, but she seems to want it all the time! We haven’t really talked about it, but I think it’s starting to piss her off, and I’m getting stressed that she might cheat if she gets the chance. What should I do? 

Lad Experiencing Sexual Surplus 

Roxy

While everyone pretends a good relationship is really about romance and friendship, Roxy knows that a big part of it is fucking. Not necessarily lots of fucking, but a frequency and type of fucking that leaves both parties satisfied. At the moment, neither of you are satisfied: she can’t get the action she wants, and because you care for her, you’re unhappy too.

So, what’s Roxy’s prescription? First, you need to talk about it. You’ve already noticed that she’s getting pissed off, and you can’t let a wound in your relationship fester in the hope it will somehow all be alright: it won’t be. You need to have a free and frank discussion about what her needs are. She needs to know that you care.

Now, since your libido has always been lower, Roxy’s going to assume it isn’t just a response to stress or other shittiness in your life. Do still consider going to a doctor to get your hormones checked though, since it may turn out that all you need is some treatment to turn you into the love-stallion your girlfriend wants. Otherwise you’re going to have to rely on other methods to try and help. First, make sure that you’re spontaneous. If you only get urges occasionally, be sure to capitalise on them. Also, try increasing the range of dirty stuff you can do together as a sort of compromise. Jerking off while she fucks herself with a vibrator may satisfy her every now and then, and not involve a huge amount of being “in the mood” from you. Perhaps try figuring out what about her turns you on, and try and get in on those situations more often, be they romantic candlelit dinners, or the back seat of your car.

If nothing seems to work, however, and it remains obvious that you are simply not able to satisfy each other, Roxy presents you with two choices: let her get some action on the side, or end the relationship.

Love, Roxy <3

Prudence

Oh LESS, I’m so sorry.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I think you might be a homosexual. It might not seem obvious to you right now, since you are so deep in denial you could be easily classified mentally unwell, but just stop and think about it. You have a lovely girlfriend of two years, and the full cocktail of God-given male hormones directing you down the path to holy matrimony, yet you reject those commandments. Why? It’s obvious that Satan has possessed your penis and made you into a homosexually orientated gay man.

Don’t worry, though, there is hope. The gay, like any illness, can be cured.

First, beware of other triggers of deviant behaviour in your life. Stop dressing well; particularly if you tend to wear tight jeans (they restrict testosterone production). Also, be sure to not vote for the Greens, value your girl’s views on issues not related to cleaning or cooking, or listen to modern popular music: all of these things correlate with the homosexual gay pathology.

Once this detox process is underway, be sure to go talk to your pastor. He (and if it’s not a he, leave that temple to Satan right away) should be able to give you advice on how best to purge these demons through prayer and a healthy diet of beef.

xoxo Prudence.

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a professional, rather than a magazine columnist, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free and confidential. Phone 04 463 5310. Email counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz. Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building. 
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Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (4)

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  1. A little miffed says:

    Whilst I think the Roxy component of this column is fine, I strongly object to Prudence’s response. Making cheap jokes about homosexual stereotypes is an incredibly lazy and discriminatory method of generating humour. I understand that it is intended to be satirical, but it simply indulges people’s prejudices. I, for one, found it quite offensive.

  2. Marry me Pru says:

    Roxy and Prudence are a phenomenal team. The addition of Prudence is a welcome change to what would otherwise be an exceptionally dry column. I, for one, was sick to death of reading constance’s weekly drivel; she took herself far too seriously – prudence is satire and knows it.

  3. Thinks you should get over it says:

    On the contrary, A little miffed, the joke appeared to be at the expense of some aspects of organised religion, and was rather amusing. If I were a Christian, with a traditional Christian view of homosexuality, I would be offended by this column. As it happens, I am not, and therefore I find it hilarious.

  4. A little miffed says:

    I understand that that is what Prudence was trying to achieve. However, I don’t think she managed.

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