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March 19, 2012 | by  | in Opinion |
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Roxy Heart & Prudence Lovelock

I’ve been in a stable relationship for one and a half years. Before my present girlfriend, I was sexually active, but my current girlfriend takes her religion very seriously and operates a strict no-sex-before-marriage policy. I appreciate and respect the choice she’s made, I love her dearly and can see myself with her in the future, but I’m not ready for marriage at this point. The problem is this: I was at a work function the other night, and went home with a colleague, we had a great time and lots of fun. Do I tell my girlfriend I cheated, or stay quiet and return to my life of lonely masturbation? 

Roxy

“I appreciate and respect the choice she’s made”. Hahahahahaha. Oh, darling, you most certainly do not. Roxy has a pro-tip for you: if you respect someone’s choices, you don’t cheat on them.

Now, Roxy wants to be clear here, cheating is not always wrong. Roxy is a pragmatist, and there will be times where the least harmful action is to cheat. Maybe it’s what you need to do to keep your resolve to stay with your partner through a terminal illness. Or maybe you have children or finances that would be devastated by a separation, and the occasional affair is needed to hold the family together. It’s a shitty situation, but moral absolutism has no place in the messy world of human love.

However, you are not in that situation, and so you receive condemnations in Roxy’s harshest terms: you’re big oozy smear of Santorum.

Anyway, what you have to do now if you want to maintain any worth as a person, is to go and tell your partner what happened. She will be upset. She will probably leave you. You will feel sad: this is called “a consequence”.

If, however, your girlfriend is a saint and forgives you, then you will need to talk about what created the circumstances where you cheated. You clearly cannot handle the “no sex before marriage” rule, which means that she will either have to loosen that rule up, let you have sex with other people—with rules of course—or realise that while she loves you, you just aren’t compatible. What she shouldn’t do is trust you to stay faithful, because it is clear that you aren’t to be trusted.

Now, Roxy would like to end this advice with a word of warning. While abstinence might seem like a wholesome attitude and safe choice, denying sex before marriage to your partner means that you are going to see yourself in these types of situation a lot more frequently. Most people won’t realise how hard it is for them to be abstinent. They then end up in relationships they really shouldn’t be in, and that hurts you. So remember, while abstinence is a valid choice, choices have consequences.

Love, Roxy <3
Prudence

Well, this has turned into a complete mess hasn’t it? Obviously you are now obliged to marry this other woman you so foolishly slept with at a work function (see what happens when fathers let their virile daughters into the workforce? Disaster). A quick back-of-the-envelope calculation tells me that the appropriate dowry in these circumstances is five goats, twenty bushels of wheat and one of those fancy gift-hampers you can buy at florists now. I can recommend one on Lambton Quay: the man who runs it is always very nice to my boyfriend, and always seems to cheer him up.

Your girlfriend, however, remains a problem. Her family has been dishonoured, and that’s something that even the glossiest goats or biggest gift- hampers won’t repay. Ideally you would just marry her too, but the “liberals” have destroyed the Biblical tradition of the family so completely that that is simply not an option these days without moving
to Te Anau. Instead I recommend that you and your new wife fake your deaths to resolve the inevitable blood feud. 41 Prudence recommends fishing trips without a life jacket as the easiest way to accomplish this.
xoxo Prudence.
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