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March 12, 2012 | by  | in News |
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The Week That Wasn’t

CHRISTIAN GROUP VOWS TO RETURN STUDENTS TO THE GARDEN OF WEEDEN

The bud of controversy was sparked bluntly at Victoria University’s clubs week last week as ‘Large!’, the youth wing of Get-Up church offered a free Marijuana bong hit and beer funnel as a reward for signing up to their deluxe ‘Saved4life’ package.

Salient spoke to first year Ben Mcleod as he was leaving the stall on the Kirk overbridge.

“Fuck man, I’m ripped as,” he said, “I’m definitely joining up now and… where did you get that sausage from?”. While walking away Salient heard Mcleod whisper “Econ’s gonna be buzzy as,”

When asked for an explanation for this new direction, red squadron Team Leader Chris Temple explained, “We decided that the lollies and free pizza weren’t working as effectively as we—or should I say the Lord—desired, so we thought, what do the youth want? And it became pretty obvious, aye.”

On the eternal moral repercussions of this, Temple said, ”Beer is legal and God made weed. I’ve read the Bible, OK.”

Large!, however, have drawn the line at condoms. Salient suspects this new tactic might be part of a broader abstinence scheme to get all them kids too drunk to fuck. Salient is investigating.

Harry Evans

EXILE ON MOUNT STREET

The unfortunate positioning of stalls was the source of further commotion at last week’s annual clubs week. The controversy began when the club known as the Communists United for a Nicer Tomorrow was placed beside a stall promoting new Blue V.

The wisdom of placing a hardcore communist stall next to a beacon of successful capitalist enterprise has been questioned by many who attended the week. As Todd Pole put it: “I just wanted a free V, ya know man, and these guys were totally killing it by telling me that capitalism was going to like enslave me forever or some shit aye”.

A scuffle broke out as one of the communists—identified only as Comrade Smith—become fed up with the blatant repression and exploitation he was witnessing. “I could see the girls giving away the free V, they were totes babin’ and they didn’t realise it but they were only hired cos they were hot as, and they were being exploited by this huge multinational company, man”, he said.

Smith, armed with his noble ideology and a dozen eggs, took to pelting the promo-girls and yelling at anyone who tried to take a V. “The flavour is passionfruit and avocado, mixed with the blood of the proletariat”.

Salient questioned one of the V promo girls about being egged. “He really had no idea what he was talking about, I’m working towards a PhD in Cosmic Phrenology, so to claim I’m only hired because of my looks is entirely inaccurate.”

Subsequently, Smith received a three-year ban from Victoria premises. He was not fazed, claiming it had become As a result of his actions, Smith was “an institution that put money in front of the revolution and overthrowing the bourgeoisie. Besides, this gives me an opportunity to further my career as a freestyle poet”.

Ryan Hammond


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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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