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March 19, 2012 | by  | in Features |
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Turning Sinning into Winning

Being a tosspot is akin to a drunkard pissing on a cop car. It’s going to happen at one point or another. It just takes a little while for people to notice if it’s going on, often with hilarious results. Everyone is a twat at some point another, be they nuns or nannies, lobbyists or lawyers, but for some reason, being bad is… well, bad.

But sometimes, at some point or another, you just can’t help it. You steal a disabled spot on a bus. You tell a girl that wants to go to the toga party with you that you and gigs, you may learn things that you already have plans when you actually may never have found out otherwise. Say just want to put as many continents as you get into a debate with a possible between you and her. You make a Jewish joke at a synagogue by sheer slip-of-the-tongue. It’s just the one about the rabbi and the stripper but you still get death glares when you mention the edible underwear.

Eh. Shit happens. Some people are just bad people. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If someone you know suffers from Asshat Syndrome, it’s no reason to get on your high horse and tell them what’s right and wrong. They are well aware 99 per cent of the time. For the most part, tactfulness, bluntness and callous demeanours are a by-product of not giving a damn. They can bear the brunt of their actions, good or ill, just as capably as they can dish it out.

I know that sounds high and mighty on my part as well. But nowadays, people get up in arms about being good people as if it’s some zenith to aspire to. What utter bollocks. People need to be bad. There has to be at least one Oscar Wilde to every Mother Theresa, otherwise the dichotomy would become too airy-fairy and utopian. That would mean everyone is nice, lovely, fantastic people who curtsey in the street, hold every door open for you and use their P’s and Q’s at every opportunity.

Sing it with me now: booooooooring.

Variety is the spice of life and we cynics, insult-slingers and tight-arses are the Tabasco sauce. For some people, pursuing moral perfection can be perfectly reasonable. It’s their choice to be better people and more power to them. But pursuing moral perfection as a society is not the same thing. You need to hit perfect neutrality so you have enough diversity to explore every angle. Someone needs to push the moral boundaries on occasion, and someone has to be politically incorrect from time to time.

But all of that is too sociologically broad to be useful. What about if you personally are a good person, or at least think you are? Be a dick once in a while. For one, the shift in paradigm is refreshing. Also, if you intentionally antagonise a point for shits and gigs, you may learn things that you may never have found out otherwise. Say you get into a debate with a born-again Christian when you yourself are fairly religious. Take the other side and dish out some pain. Not only will you explore what you don’t quite understand, but maybe you’ll get a retort that will make you stop and think.

What if you are already a fairly terrible person? For all the people agreeing wholeheartedly with my words thus far, and planning to drop-kick a Corgi before lunch, the only advice I could give would be temperance. There is a fine line between being an asshole and a douchebag, and most of the time it comes down to the senses of wisdom, appropriate use of criticism and pure comedic timing. Being a good asshole is a fine art. Don’t overcook it, or you won’t have any friends. And then who will you rile up, huh?

But seriously, don’t get too worked up about being good or bad. In fact, be bad more often. Who knows? You may find out something more about yourself. And be honest, you always wanted to verbally pimp-slap that one slag with the hipster serape. You know the one. ▲

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