I have a bit of a situation. I’m a second year gay guy who has spent the last three months having regular sex with a really hot guy I met online. Now, when we met he was pretty upfront about being in the closet, and I didn’t really mind since it was just sex and he was really hot. The problem is, we’ve started to hang out, rather than just fuck, and it’s starting to feel like a relationship: I’ll come around and spend the day at his place, playing Xbox and watching movies and shit, and then making out and spending the night in bed. I’d be really keen to continue this, because he’s fun and funny and cool and we get on really well, but I’m not sure how to handle the fact he’s in the closet, and seems pretty determined to stay there.
Help, Roxy! ~J
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Hi J, it’s Roxy here. I want to know if your potential boyfriend has a reason for being cowardly and refusing to come out.
Hi Roxy, I wasn’t expecting you to email me back! Anyways, he just seems really uncomfortable with it, I think he has lots of friends who are real bros, and I think he’s worried about them. I haven’t met his parents, but they live in South Taranaki, and I guess he might be worried about them too. ~J
At first blush this seems like a tricky situation: hot guy, total closet case. What should a poor queer boy do? Luckily, Roxy has a simple law transcribed in her big ol’ book of relationship laws that provides a guideline for how to deal with this problem. To wit:
The Roxy Heart Relationship LawS: Law 12
(1) It shall be expected that any queer, upon reaching the age of maturity, comes out of the closet.
(2) It is a defence to (1) that the person must stay in the closet to avoid violent or financial retribution.
(3) Any queers who rely on (2) must take all reasonable steps to extract themselves from this situation.
Roxy takes a pretty strong stance that queers have a responsibility, both to themselves and to those around them, to be open and honest about something as fundamental as their sexual identity. Thus, barring exceptional circumstances, Roxy thinks your boyfriend should come out now, and that you having a relationship with him should be conditional on that, because dating a closet case is pretty much wall-to-wall unrelenting bullshit.
See, part of being someone’s boyfriend is the ability to go out in public without having them freak out at the mere thought of you being seen together. It is being able to actually meet their parents at some stage. It is about being able to meet their friends and actually, you know, be a part of his life. It is not about being shut away like a dirty secret. Sure, he might say and do all the right things, but you’re still going to be treated like he’s ashamed of you (which he is). So tell him to man the fuck up and get out of his closet, else you need to make it clear that it’s just fuck buddies.
So, what about the subsection (2) defences? Well, that’s where you need to do some sleuthing. Basically, “my friends might abandon me” is not an excuse, because Roxy pretty strongly feels that friends who push you away because you’re gay are, to use a lame cliché, not really your friends at all. Family is more tricky, and often comes under the “financial” defence: if he is dependent on his parents for financial support, then he probably has an excuse not to tell them. He still should come out to everyone else, particularly if there’s little risk of news getting back to his South Taranaki parents. His workplace may be an excuse for similar reasons, if he’s a builder or a pastor or something.
Elsewise, as Roxy says, come out, out, out! And if his personal situation prevents him coming out, Roxy thinks the personal situation should be changed. Changejobs, get financial independence from the parents and come out, because if Roxy gets her way, he isn’t getting a relationship until he does. <3 Roxy.
If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a professional, rather than a magazine columnist, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free and confidential. Phone 04 463 5310. Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.