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May 7, 2012 | by  | in News |
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The Week That Wasn’t

John Banks denies romantic relationship with John Banks.

In an interview with Salient, ACT Party Leader John Banks wanted to make it absolutely clear that he was not in a romantic relationship with John Banks.

“We – he – uh… I am in an institutional marriage and definitely not pursuing a relationship with myself.”

Reports that he was having an affair with himself emerged after he was seen booking into SkyCity hotel with Banks. Suspicions were raised when a co-worker saw Banks sheepishly emerging from a bathroom cubicle with himself.

Labour Party Leader David Shearer said Banks’ habit of appearing in the same place and same time as himself had always struck other members of Parliament as “a bit creepy”.

“We always knew he was a wanker but now we have confirmation” said an unnamed MP.

Restaurant workers have also claimed that he repeatedly takes Banks out to dinner.

“He’s very cutesy,” said waiter Jack de Noir “he always orders the exact same meal as himself, it’s sickening.”

It is unclear how long Banks has purportedly been courting himself, but the whirlwind romance was believed to have intensified last year while he was on holiday in Texas. ‘Hold ‘Em Joe’ by Harry Belafonte is allegedly Banks’ favourite song and it is rumoured he first set his eyes on himself when he discovered it was his favourite song also.

A close friend of Banks, who wished to remain anonymous, told Salient said that while Banks publically denied the allegation, in private he constantly talked about having hit the “jackpot”.

“John Banks and I have nothing to hide” said John Banks with his best poker face.

Banks’ friend confessed that he was concerned that the affair was distracting Banks from his responsibilities and that he was playing roulette with his political career.

On Friday Banks released a statement saying that while he admits the sixty-five- year-long relationship with himself may have occurred, he had no recollection of the events.

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