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May 14, 2012 | by  | in News |
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The Week That Wasn’t

John Key Labelled Most Promiscuous World Leader

Social conservative Randy Cocks has labelled Prime Minister John Key as the world’s most promiscuous world leader.

“I’m sure there’s some research that backs up my assumptions somewhere” Cocks said in an interview with Salient. “Why don’t you google it or something?”

Key has rebutted, saying there’s no way he can be the world’s lewdest world leader as he has been in monogamous marriage with his wife Bronagh for 28 years.

But according to Cocks “that’s exactly the kind of belief system that is getting a lot of young prime ministers unnecessarily pregnant. They think they’re immune but they’re not.”.

Key said he is male and biologically unable to become pregnant but that he does have two children.

BREAKING: John Key unable to give birth?

Salient asked Professor of Biology Frank Lee Bawd whether Keys’ claim that he is male has any element of truth.


“Well that might be true,” said Cocks “But you know what they say about people with two children? They’ve had sex at least twice. That’s one more time than someone who only has one child. It’s disgusting if you think about it.”

But Parliament is not taking risks and on Friday rushed through the emergency SNEANS Bill 2012. The bill, drafted by the Labour Party, will provide Key with a lifetime supply of sneakers and jeans.

It is hoped the unappealing combination will decrease Key’s attractiveness to such a level that his promiscuity would be reduced if he actually had any. He would also be unable to become promiscuous even if he wanted to—which he doesn’t.

“Another day of reason and good-lawmaking”.

“A victory for New Zealand!”

The bill generated some controversy over whether it infringed upon on Key’s rights. A spokesperson for the Labour Party assured Salient that it was not compulsory for Key to wear the sneakers and jeans and that it was up to him as to whether he would volunteer to wear them.

“God, I hope he does” said an unnamed MP for the Labour Party “he’s already the stay-at-home solo Prime Minister of one country, the last thing we need is for him to have another”.

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