May 21, 2012 | by  |
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The Week That Wasn’t

Student continues to procrastinate despite abusive text messages from future self.

This week Salient is reporting that last week the ability to send text messages through time was discovered to have been invented sometime in the next week.

The discovery was made by Victoria University Student Aaron McCoy who has an essay due this afternoon.

Last Monday McCoy received a message from his future self in which he told himself,

“Hey man, so like, I know you have a whole week to write and it and everything, but I reckon you you should start your essay today since you didn’t get it in on time and I’m really stressing out right now. Thanks dude.”

McCoy of the past seemed unphased commenting “Why would I tell myself I have a whole week to do my essay? I knew that already, so why would I start now? I could start tomorrow and still have like six days.”

By Thursday the messages began taking a more aggressive tone.

“Seriously man what the hell is your problem? Just get on with it you dick.”

McCoy of the past claimed it was a well

known fact he could totally write an essay over a weekend.

“Jesus Christ. Look, I know you told Salient you could complete an essay in two days. I know because I was there. But a well known fact? You did it once. Wow look at you, what a big man. I know you can’t do it this time because you didn’t.” said McCoy of the future.

The discovery has generated concern over whether there is a risk of McCoy creating a time paradox if he listens to the messages and manages to hand his essay in on time, thus negating the need to have ever left the messages in the first place.

But time travel theorist Emmet Fry assured Salient that “there was absolutely no danger whatsoever of McCoy actually taking his own advice and starting his assignment before it’s due.”

After receiving a text message on Saturday that read “Holy shit, are you as dumb as I think you are?”, McCoy contacted 2degrees and attempted to block his own number.

As of this morning, the last message McCoy had received simply said “Fuck you.”

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