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May 7, 2012 | by  | in Opinion |
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Things You Already Know But Just Need To Be Told

YOU FINISH LAST NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE A NICE GUY BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE A MASSIVE COCK

First, I am going to use the term ‘Nice Guy’ not because I’m only talking about those of you who choose to gender identify as male, but because the phenomenon I’m talking is most often labelled in those terms. Girls can be Nice Guys too. Just so you know.

So, we know you are alone. Well, at least, you feel it, right? Deep down in your soul, you fear dying alone. It’s just so hard to meet people. It’s so hard to to find someone with whom you can have that click that you can only presume also happens outside of movies and your phantasmic day-mares of togetherness. You can’t figure out why this only seems to be a problem for you. Everyone around you seems to have it pretty easy when it comes to finding people to rub up against, but for you it just doesn’t happen that much. When it does, you regret it because it doesn’t feel right but you try and ride it out but that always ends in scrunched up heart-hurting. Why you? I mean, it’s not like there is anything wrong with you. You are, after all, a Nice Guy. But, you sigh, you know what they say about Nice Guys?

I do. I do know what they say about Nice Guys. What they say about Nice Guys is that the reason that no one talks to them or wants to be their friend is because their idea of social interaction is once every month going to a party they don’t like anyone at and standing in the hallway complaining to themselves about how Glee is the death of all music, or sitting in the corner glaring angrily at the people who aren’t talking to them because they’re being angrily glared at.

Your sense of entitlement has grown so great that you think that you have to do no work for people to like you. You know that is ridiculous and what you need to be told is that if you are too busy complaining about how you are a Nice Guy you are wasting a lot of time that could be spent being, y’know, a nice person. The kind of person that people actually want to know.

People do not want to know Nice Guys because they (you) are smug, diffident, and haughty, they are far too caught up in their own ideas of their own angelicness to be anything close to worth while to interact with. People don’t date or bone Nice Guys because they are emotionally juvenile and are to good conversation what a burnt match is to a burning car on the lawn of their self-loathing. They take anything other than total adoration and compliance as rejection and often prove themselves to so emotionally inept that ruin all attempts at anything beyond friendship by being overly-entitled creeps.

This failure of their own to be able to step up emotionally to any kind of proper interaction can often result in being banished to what they term the ‘Friend Zone’. Now, the only thing that needs to be said and understood about the concept of the Friend Zone is that is exactly the kind of rape cultural thinking—how dare women consider not wanting to lick your stick?!—that makes you, if you ascribe to it and I’m pretty sure that if you consider yourself a Nice Guy you will, entirely unprepared on any level to interact with anyone in any real way yet.

You know that feeling of real jealousy you feel when you see couples on the street? Why do they get what you can’t have just because you are cursed with Niceness? That feeling is the problem, not the people daring to hold hands that aren’t yours. Get rid of it. Seriously. You’re an adult now, time to grow up.

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About the Author ()

Uther was one of the two arts editors in 2009. He was the horoscopier and theatre writer in 2010. Alongside Elle Hunt, Uther was coeditor in 2011.

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  1. Jorah Mormont says:

    I could never best Khal Drogo’s abilities in combat, nor have I the lavish wealth of these Qarthian suitors. My youth is long gone, and even she has dragons, the rarest of all things. What could I, an exiled slave trader, possibly offer her?

    Dany, you may one day be the queen of all of Westeros. I only wish I could be the king of your heart.

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