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July 23, 2012 | by  | in Uncategorized |
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Albums To Engage In Sexual Congress To

First off, a couple of disclaimers: 1. The evaluation of all the albums on this list is based on exactly zero scientific research. It is the product of my sordid imagination only. Please assume that every description is followed by the words ‘… or so I imagine’ as my voice trails off and a lonely tear runs down my cheek. 2. If you’re a male reading this who uses these albums as prescribed during the course of a one-night-stand then full power to you! UNLESS you refer to your fellow boner as a ‘slut’, ‘whore’ or anything of the like thereafter, in which case go fuck yourself, cad.

Jack Johnson: Brushfire Fairytales

I have a friend (who will remain nameless for obvious reasons) who recently picked up a delightful young woman in the course of a debaucherous night in town. Upon getting home, he thought he’d put on some Jack Johnson to set the mood. After 45 minutes he was still physically unable to ejaculate. And, while she enjoyed the elongated duration of proceedings, so too did she find the whole experience discomfiting and not a little sappy. AVOID.

John Coltrane: Ascension

One word: ‘polyrhythms’. While casually dropping the term in conversation in order to impress your object of your affection is acceptable, for the love of God leave them to the courtship stage.

Radiohead: Kid A

Unless your partner enjoys comforting you as you weep uncontrollably in the dark and wail about existential malaises, steer clear of this one. What were you thinking? Come on.

Regina Spektor: Begin to Hope

Cute! Quirky! Poignant! ENDORSED.

My Bloody Valentine: Loveless

SO. You’ve succeeding in taking home that charmingly aloof and eloquent hipster from his/her home territory in Mighty Mighty/ ironic jaunt to the Big K. Soon enough his buttoned up to the top plaid shirt/her vintage dress are lying in crumpled heaps of disarray on the floor as you eagerly roll around the bed, ensconced at the mouth. Their hands slowly reach towards your one-stringed-bass/clitar and they sultrily murmur in your ear: “why don’t you put some music on?” OH. GOD. You’ve come this far, and you’ll be damned if your deeply hidden penchant for Beyonce and Nickelback impede an evening of no-pants fun-time! Luckily, you have Loveless close at hand. The lush, blissful guitars and gorgeous vocals provide a very advantageous backdrop to all things coital; and you won’t have to risk suffering a chortling sneer from your ever-so- cool partner. ELEMENTARY.

Al Green

Even your immature boyfriend who finds it hilarious to shout ‘I….CHOOSE…YOU… PIKACHU’ every time he comes will bow before the swoony croons of this Soul legend. This album is conducive to snuggling, tenderness, intimacy, holding each other close and basically all the things this embittered man pretends to detest and scorn.

So there you have it! An entirely objective and quantifiable evaluation of music for sexytimez. Have a blast! xoxo

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