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July 23, 2012 | by  | in News |
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News On The March

In Syria, a rebel bomb strike rips through a high-level government security meeting, killing three top officials including the Dark Lord Assad’s brother-in-law. The Dark Lord responds: “You are part of the rebel alliance and a traitor. Take her away!”

In London, in a vain attempt to boost revenue Olympic officials invest in 270 officers to police unauthorised attempts at advertising during the games known as ambush marketing. Salient’s latest viral marketing idea returns to drawing board.

In Queensland, a previously undiscovered rare species of horsefly has been named scaptia beyonceae, in honour of Her Majesty, Beyonce Knowles. The “unique dense golden hairs on the fly’s abdomen” were reminiscent of the performer Bryan Lessard, the scientist responsible explained, breathing heavily.

In America, aid to Hilary Clinton, Huma Abedin, is accused by Republicans of conspiring with the evil Muslim Brotherhood of Egypt to subvert US foreign policy. In a very un-Republican act of reason, John McCain crosses the floor to defend Abedin.

Behind the Korean Curtain, a powerful army chief of the old-guard, Ri Yong-ho, has been replaced by relative new-comer Hyon Yong- chol in what has been described as a “purge”—the latest in a series of progressively unfunny events since the passing of Kim Jong-il. The world awaits the invent of cryogenics and the resumption of the Kim Jong-il Looking At Things’ tumblr.

In Manawatu, a 57-year-old man named Rob, is pursued by police at 130km/h down Pahiatua-Pongaroa Road before pulling over and spitting a large volume of marijuana onto the passenger seat of his vehicle. Rob claims the buds are to “ease my toothache”, but Judge Atkins decrees it: “pretty silly.”

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Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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