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July 30, 2012 | by  | in Opinion |
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Roxy Heart

Holla Roxy. So, I’ve been seeing this girl for a couple of months, and it seemed to be going really great. Suddenly though, last night, I got this text from her telling me it was over. I feel really shit, Roxy, and I think she’s been a total bitch about it. Is it OK to break up with people via text? It just seems like a really bitchy thing to do…[snip]

Would you like some cheese with your whine, sir?

So: break up etiquette, or how to do the impossible and make someone feel okay by telling them that you don’t like them as much as they like you.

Breaking up with someone is never going to be easy. Except for the rare cases where there’s a mutual desire to end it, there is always going to be the dumper (boo!) and the dumpee (aww!). Being dumped is never enjoyable, quite often because it comes unexpectedly (hello denial!) or it forces someone to confront the difficult issue of what it might be about them that means the other person wants to exit. So what can you do as a dumper to avoid bitterness that results in a Roxy inbox filled with whine?

Be quick and decisive. Once you know it’s going to end, end it. Leaving someone hanging while you work up the courage to pull the trigger is a sure-fire way to increase the potential fallout. Being dumped sucks, but realising they wanted to dump you weeks (or months, or years) ago sucks even more.

The same goes for decisiveness: if you sound unsure, you open the door for the dumpee to begin to think they have a chance to patch things up, even if there isn’t. A clean break is good for letting them get on with their lives.

While Roxy may get some flak for this, a text message is actually quite a good way to ensure you are quick and decisive. They are easy to send, and the shortness can make them quite unequivocal. Plus you’re less likely to say something under questioning that gives them false hope. While it might not be a good idea for ending your 30-year marriage, there are a lot worse ways to end a two-month fling.

As for Mr Whiny-pants, I have this to say: it’s totally cool that you’re feeling pretty upset, but remember that while it’s possible she’s used and abused you, it’s just as likely that she just doesn’t like you that way. While it may have just been a fundamental mismatch, now’s a good time to take stock about what things she may have not liked about you. Potentially you’re perfect, but an unexpected dumping is always a good time for some self-reflection.

Oh, and don’t call girls bitches. It’s mean and makes you sound like a misogynistic dude-bro, and no one likes that. I wonder…
<3, Roxy.

So the other night I was about to start fucking this cute first year guy I found in town, but once we started messing around, I noticed that there was a little bit of toilet paper stuck to his ass, how gross is that?!

You’re about to stick your dick in his ass, and you’re grossed out by some toilet paper? Surely poop-removing sanitary paper is a far lesser concern than the real risk of actual poop, but maybe that’s just Roxy.

Just a note, though. These sorts of embarrassing situations happen to anyone, and are a good opportunity to earn sex and relationship karma. Rather than pointing it out, just quietly remove the offending embarrassment and continue on your way. Nothing is more likely to kill the mood than shouting, “Crack paper! Crack paper!” and it just seems kind of a lame thing to do. Instead, pay it forward, because you never know when it will be you in that situation. Or worse.
<3, Roxy.

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a professional, rather than a magazine columnist, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free and confidential. Phone 04 463 5310. Email Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building. 

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